A Blue Week

Hey you.

I've been quite absent. I've got the blues. Not the mean reds, thank goodness. But a dark enough blue. A blue that has made me lose the plot a bit. A blue that has dragged me under. A blue that allows me to be on my best behaviour in public, but hits me sideways at home. A blue that lets me leave a pithy comment on a friend's status, or post a video that pokes fun at teasy tea-time tantrums. But also makes me want to curl up on the sofa and block out the chatter and noise. A blue that means I can perform and function, all the while wanting to stab a fork into my leg.

It's complicated. It rears it's head without warning. Even after all these years of living with the blues, I am often caught out. They are sneaky. The blues are covert, lying in the shadows waiting for the perfect moment to strike. They almost always hit their target. And I've been hit right between the eyes this time. A fuzzy head. Those horrible, irrational, crappy thoughts. The impulse to flee. And as an extra measure, you know just to really fuck me over, the overwhelming tiredness and ennui. These blues trap you into inaction and lethargy. And the guilt of it all. I think that's possibly the worse thing. The guilt that surrounds having the blues. I could win gold if guilt was an Olympic event.

Today the blues have changed colour a little. The blues are more like the skies in the pictures above. I can deal with these. I feel a little more energised. I feel as if I can tackle the list and the housework and the tea time madness without feeling physically bruised by it all. I can bat away the intrusive thoughts, and I feel my energy slowly returning. I know there is no pressure to do and be. My mind is a kinder place to be with today.

I shall walk out into the Autumn sunshine. I shall turn my face to the pale lemon sun, and I shall breathe. I will put my trust in good food, gentle exercise and those little white pills. I will smile at my children, and pull them close. I will promise Marc that he won't be coming home to such a bitch this weekend.

One step at a time. Always one step at a time.

Leanne xx

Happy Lately

I haven't posted anything at all for over a week. And as is always the case, another lovely blogger articulated much better than me about erratic summer blogging (thank you Gillian).

I'll tell you another thing; I have been hiding. For years. Behind the pages of a book, prettier girlfriends, being the funny one, as an under-achiever, a very bad pa, being nice when I should have been a bitch, saying yes when I should have said no. And lots more besides.

And now Pops has started school. I can't hide behind him anymore. Oh no. Swirly whirly brain. Can you tell?

So a happy/lately post. To get me back in the swing of things. You know how it is.

My garden is still putting on a show. The Dahlias are finally in bloom. I thought it was never going to happen. But our gorgeous late summer has persuaded them to come hither. I adore Dahlias. One of my rose bushes is having a second flush of flowers. I never expected that either, but am very glad that they are. And I have hips! And this is my pollinator corner. Olly and I draw up chairs and watch them go about their business. It's absorbing. I love my garden. There are plans afoot for it. I am very excited!

During the summer holidays Olly and I kept a nature list of all the wildlife that we saw. It was quite a long list by the end. It went into his holiday diary that his new teacher gave him (me) to complete over the holidays. After a little research, I believe (but am happy to be corrected) that these are an oak bush cricket, rose chafer beetle and a small copper. One on the beach, one at Godrevy and one in our bathroom!!

 
I have gathered so very many blackberries and sloes. It is a bumper season for them. The sloes are in the freezer, waiting to be bashed into submission and then thrust into gin for Christmas festivities. I have made jam and many a crumble with the blackberries. Some of them are in the freezer too, because September brings the obligatory diet. For Christmas. So that I can eat loads and not burst at the seams. Literally.

We have been out and about in West Cornwall in Betty, soaking up the last of the summer. I love Betty. I'm not bothered that she is the other woman in my life. Not any more. Today we went to Godrevy to put some flowers down for Granny. It's been three years since my beloved mother in law passed away. We all miss her still. She was fabulous. It was a super evening, and we spent it eating hot dogs, playing Frisbee and watching two curious seals watching us watching them. Oh and there were a lot of biscuits....

There now. That wasn't so bad. I can still do this, even with Pops in school.

Onwards!

Big love to you all,

Leanne xxxxx

Thoughts on Thoughts

I haven't been sleeping well lately. An insomnia of sorts. I think that it's more than that though. My days are so rich and full at the moment, it should follow that my nights are spent in a deep satisfying slumber.

Not so much.

I'm tired. And yet my mind is a whir. Flitting from one thing to another. There are lists. And musings. And lots and lots of thinking. About all kinds of stuff. I feel as if I want to share them all here.

With you.

Because I know you. But then again I can't possibly know you. I would never presume such a thing. And yet I trust you. So I'm thinking that maybe all the process and knee jerk that fill these pages, is an attempt to let you really know me. Because the relationship that I have found myself making with you here has become so important. I want you to know me. Because I like you. I think that you're pretty cool. We seem to have a lot in common. And yet these relationships confuse me also. They fall through my fingers like the sand I walk across everyday. I want to give you all something. A pebble from my favourite beach maybe? A little tangible something to connect us.

I have been given support, encouragement and solidarity here. I have poked fun at myself, railed against the world and written posts when I am full throttle pre-menstrual. It has been at once liberating and cringe worthy. There have been posts of pure self indulgence, which I have relished as a thing rarely allowed in my real life. I take risks here by showing little bits of myself to you, and I'm thinking that that is good for me.

Here's the thing....I am not like this in real life. I am a reserved listener, who is rarely as candid as I am here. Would you believe me if I told you that I often feel so lonely slap bang in the centre of this little life I have created for myself?  That my voice has been lost in a sea of voices for a long time. And yet through this space my voice grows a little louder everyday. I am so thankful to you for letting me think here. I am thankful of your quiet holding of me as I go about my thinking.

I am thinking this when I should be asleep.

I am thinking that I shall have an extra cup of coffee instead.

I am thinking.

Thinking that I should open up more to those around me.

Thinking of new challenges ahead.

Thinking of change, and why it scares me.

Thinking of all the sloe and blackberries that I have picked.

Thinking that I don't give myself enough credit.

Thinking that a washed out early return from France wasn't so bad actually.

Thinking that I can be a moody cow.

Thinking that Barbara Kingsolver might just be the best thing since sliced bread.

Thinking about painting the kitchen grey.

Thinking about a slow week ahead (yay).

Thinking of that poor young journalist.

Thinking about nothing in particular.

Thinking.

Think.

That's it.


Leanne xx

Inspired by Annie. But also inspired by all of you.

My Kind Of Perfect

  

 

 

I have to say it's been a wonderful family focused weekend here. A perfect mix of seeing and doing and pottering and relaxing. Topped off with a great Grand Prix. And cake. We were going to venture further afield, but in the end we stayed local. Sometimes it's hard to choose where to go when you live here. We have so many favourite places. So many 'secret' spots that we return to time after time. And I'm glad we returned to them. They are old friends, and they welcome us back with a smile each time we visit.

So we piled into Betty. We grabbed pasties and coffee from Philps. We walked the dogs over Gwithian Towans. We drove to Godrevy.  The boys had an ice cream and we said hello to Granny. We went crabbing off the harbour pier and actually caught some. We looked for sea glass and blue pottery fragments. The weather was perfect. The light was spectacular. It was wild and windy in places and sheltered and warm in others. Honestly it doesn't get much better than this right now.

I am left with a lovely full up feeling. It may be that second slice of cake. But it feels good all the same.

Leanne xx

Last Week

 

 

Watching Eurovision
Olly was allowed to stay up way past his bedtime. His wasn't too interested in the singing, but he quite enjoyed sharing Alfie's chocolate bar. Note basket of ironing on the table. I styled that shot well.

Thrift at Porth Leven
It was a squally wind on Saturday. Too rough for the sailing club. So me, Marc and Olly went to Porth Leven. We walked, explored and the boys had an ice cream. The bestest charity shop in the world was closed. Boo.

Ladybird
There has been lots of these lovely creatures in the garden lately. I'm dead chuffed.

Bumblebee
Olly could tell you it's a buff tailed one. We have a chart. He is tested daily.

A Lovely Surprise
This was poked through my open window when I came back from picking up Olly on Friday (I live in St Ives. There is no crime. Therefore I have become completely complacent about security). Totally unexpected, and all the lovelier for it.

Birthday
More parcels. It was Marc's birthday on Wednesday. But we celebrated at the weekend. Because he works away. And Olly wanted a banner and balloons for Daddy. Alfie ate most of the cake. Which was shop bought. I bought Marc a cook book. Well a girl can dream...

Mini Figures
They are everywhere at the moment. Even under the dog. She puts up with it, but I can tell she isn't happy with the arrangement.

New Shoes
My new shoes. Blue Converse. It makes a change from my wellies.

An Ostentatious Clematis
But I love it. I am going to take some cuttings to grow more. The flowers are as big as my hand.

Boy With Blue Background
A lovely colour. We are thinking of having Betty sprayed this shade of blue next year. And one of the wellies has lost an eye.

Leanne xx

Ramble

My Mum, my nephew Billy, Pops and as about as much of my sister that she would allow on camera

 Hello Lovelies.

Good grief but it's been a tad hectic around here. I have been rather absent blogwise this past week or so. So much to do, so little time seems to sum it up nicely. I hope to have a lovely catch up with all of your news this evening, but I'm dashing this off now while Pops is eating lunch and watching Despicable Me 2. Last week saw me go mad in the garden, complete my first (paid) gardening job and visit my family in Bristol for the bank holiday weekend. The evenings found me pottering in the evening light, and enjoying being outside until late.

I don't have a favourite month, but I do really love May. The hedgerows are waking up and putting on a show. My garden, too, is waking from it's slumbers and the perennials and herbaceous plants are starting to grow apace. West Cornwall is getting busier but it still feels like it belongs to me. I'm not ready to hand it over to all the summer visitors just yet.

We also have a lot of birthdays in May. The first being my Dad, who was seventy at the weekend. Marc and Sam also have birthdays this month, and so I am frantically trying to find suitable gifts for the pair of them. I must admit that I struggle with gifts for the men in my family. Men don't do frou frou, which I think is very remiss of them. It's either power tools or reference books here (yawn).

Pops and I had a brilliant time in Bristol. I only realise how much I miss the city that I was born and bred in when I return. It's a wonderful, vibrant place. And spending lots of time with my Mum, sister and nephews was the icing on the cake. We see so little of each other. I miss them very much. Pops had a ball with his nephews, and charmed the pants off of everyone else. Four is a great age to be cheeky and get away with it. He was sad to leave too. I was struck by how confident he is. He threw himself into cuddles and conversations without a hint of shyness. My older two have never been as outgoing, and I am revelling in Olly's outgoing personality.

I am also aware that this carefree life of ours together is now limited. September, and school is ever present in my mind. Only the other day I was thinking to myself that I should pop into the school office to buy a couple of school jumpers and polo shirts for him. The idea of him in uniform makes me feel so sad. To be shackled into the system at so young an age. Hopefully we will have a cracking summer here in the UK, and Pops and I can pootle off, and enjoy what's left of our time together.

Enough with the maudlin. I am needed. I made the mistake of buying an Alice Melvin cut out and make menagerie. A project for Pops and me. Except it's ridiculously fiddly, and I'm close to throwing it into the recycling. Hen, tortoise and owl are finished. Only an arkful of animals remain.

Leanne xx

Friday Confessional

Hello there. And hello to new followers. You are most welcome here!

The photograph has literally no relation to the words on the page. It is simply here to offset the three tales of woe that have beset me in the past twenty four hours. Before I catalogue them, I should explain that I have not been with it for much of this week. Marc was given notice at the beginning of the month, and his last working day is today. There is currently no other job in the offing (he is a self employed contracts engineer) and as you can imagine, it's a rather unpleasant place to be.

Although he has been very upbeat about it all, I confess I have been fretting. Fretting about the obvious. Bills, mortgage payments and the like. But (and I am a little ashamed to admit this) fretting about the not so obvious. The longed for house move, the potential loss of financial security and all of the stuff that I have gotten used to over the past couple of years. Spoilt madam, that's me. Marc works away, so that me and the boys can live here. He makes all the sacrifice, and I make very little when it comes down to it. I don't live out of a suitcase during the week. I can see the children every day. I live and waft about in my own ridiculous world. A world that is pretty cool actually, punctuated by short blasts of stress. Usually at bedtime or the five minutes before Alfie leaves for school. Teeny tiny compared to the demands of a high pressured job, and only a generic motel bedroom to look forward to at the end of the day.

So picture me fretting. Going about my daily life. But fretting. Distracted. Not thinking or concentrating properly. And something has happened to me as a consequence of that. So here it is. My confession. OK. Deep breath.......

 "I backed the car into a wall because another stupid driver wouldn't back up when he should, so I do and I got all flustered because I was late taking Sam to college and my nephew to the Orthodontist and Olly was bleating in the back of the car and wham! Oh FFS!!!! Marc is going to be mad when he sees it, and I know that Olly will drop me in it it anyway because that's what kids do to you isn't it? Grass you up. And I was so mad and upset when it happened. I got out to look at the damage. I kicked the tyre. I swore. And I mean I really swore. The air was blue by the time I was finished. I shook my fist to the heavens. Why I don't know. It just seemed like a good idea at the time. And as I drove the boys to their various destinations, I cried. Big fat feeling sorry for myself tears. Tears of frustration (I'm such a crap driver). Tears of worry (what on earth will Marc say). Tears for tears sake. I just wanted a hug and a huge piece of cake and a latte and a don't worry. It will all be okay. It's just a car. No-one got hurt."

Do you think that it's just possible that if Marc reads this at Exeter services, he may not be so mad at his ridiculous wife? Sorry lovely boy. It was an accident. Yes I know, another one. But I never mean to bash the car. Look at the pretty picture above. Feel it's calming influence. Take a deep breath. And know that I love you. And I shall make it up to you........

Have a great weekend everyone.

Leanne xx

(Oh and I also set fire to my gilet while I was cooking tea last night. And I broke two plates and a mug this week. Sorry. Again).

Life In The Slow Lane

Picture courtesy Carol Benett 

Swimming. My new thing. One of the best new things I've ever done.

I trawl up and down the pool. Just me, myself and I.

Up. Down. Up. Down.

My mind is almost a blank as I propel myself through the water. Sometimes it settles on something. But not for long. I find it very therapeutic actually, without all that stuff roaring around my head.

There was a time I enjoyed hockey, athletics and high octane aerobics. Or dancing for hours on end in nightclubs. But now I want peace. I don't want loud music. I don't want other people shouting instruction at me. I want to be left alone.

Time seems to stand still in the water. I like that.

The surface ripples, as I move through it. An occasional splash from a fellow swimmer. The light bounces off the the water making pretty patterns.

The water makes us all equal too. Me, the young girl, the elderly lady. We are all the same in the water. Our bodies are buoyed and capable. There is no distinction. Another attraction for this body conscious, insecure, ridiculous girl.

Leanne xx

Not Too Shabby For Rachel

Finally the day that I have longed for since God knows when arrived at my door. A glorious sunny Spring day from beginning to end. I could see the sun peeping through the curtains when I woke, and as I drank my first cup of tea, I watched our Blackbird catching the worm in the garden. And I just knew that today was going to be a Black Eyed Peas kind of a day.

It meant playing outside. Washing on the line. Gardening in earnest. Lunch al fresco. A dip in the tub.

The Lego was the toy of choice, and battles were played out in the borders. Olly and I pond dipped to see whether the frog spawn has spawned (it has). Beryl and Jean obviously enjoyed the sun too, judging by their squawks. And yes of course the boys squabbled over Halo figures and Nerf darts. And yes Olly got a telling off for pulling up a couple of my Tulips. And of course I still had to do the ironing, shopping, bathrooms and have tea ready by 5pm so the worker could get to his washing up duties on time. But it all went down rather easier with the sun warming my back.

Please tell me it's here for a while at least!

Leanne xx

(apologies for the smudge on the camera lens. It may have been mayonnaise...)