A Blue Week

Hey you.

I've been quite absent. I've got the blues. Not the mean reds, thank goodness. But a dark enough blue. A blue that has made me lose the plot a bit. A blue that has dragged me under. A blue that allows me to be on my best behaviour in public, but hits me sideways at home. A blue that lets me leave a pithy comment on a friend's status, or post a video that pokes fun at teasy tea-time tantrums. But also makes me want to curl up on the sofa and block out the chatter and noise. A blue that means I can perform and function, all the while wanting to stab a fork into my leg.

It's complicated. It rears it's head without warning. Even after all these years of living with the blues, I am often caught out. They are sneaky. The blues are covert, lying in the shadows waiting for the perfect moment to strike. They almost always hit their target. And I've been hit right between the eyes this time. A fuzzy head. Those horrible, irrational, crappy thoughts. The impulse to flee. And as an extra measure, you know just to really fuck me over, the overwhelming tiredness and ennui. These blues trap you into inaction and lethargy. And the guilt of it all. I think that's possibly the worse thing. The guilt that surrounds having the blues. I could win gold if guilt was an Olympic event.

Today the blues have changed colour a little. The blues are more like the skies in the pictures above. I can deal with these. I feel a little more energised. I feel as if I can tackle the list and the housework and the tea time madness without feeling physically bruised by it all. I can bat away the intrusive thoughts, and I feel my energy slowly returning. I know there is no pressure to do and be. My mind is a kinder place to be with today.

I shall walk out into the Autumn sunshine. I shall turn my face to the pale lemon sun, and I shall breathe. I will put my trust in good food, gentle exercise and those little white pills. I will smile at my children, and pull them close. I will promise Marc that he won't be coming home to such a bitch this weekend.

One step at a time. Always one step at a time.

Leanne xx

Happy Lately

I haven't posted anything at all for over a week. And as is always the case, another lovely blogger articulated much better than me about erratic summer blogging (thank you Gillian).

I'll tell you another thing; I have been hiding. For years. Behind the pages of a book, prettier girlfriends, being the funny one, as an under-achiever, a very bad pa, being nice when I should have been a bitch, saying yes when I should have said no. And lots more besides.

And now Pops has started school. I can't hide behind him anymore. Oh no. Swirly whirly brain. Can you tell?

So a happy/lately post. To get me back in the swing of things. You know how it is.

My garden is still putting on a show. The Dahlias are finally in bloom. I thought it was never going to happen. But our gorgeous late summer has persuaded them to come hither. I adore Dahlias. One of my rose bushes is having a second flush of flowers. I never expected that either, but am very glad that they are. And I have hips! And this is my pollinator corner. Olly and I draw up chairs and watch them go about their business. It's absorbing. I love my garden. There are plans afoot for it. I am very excited!

During the summer holidays Olly and I kept a nature list of all the wildlife that we saw. It was quite a long list by the end. It went into his holiday diary that his new teacher gave him (me) to complete over the holidays. After a little research, I believe (but am happy to be corrected) that these are an oak bush cricket, rose chafer beetle and a small copper. One on the beach, one at Godrevy and one in our bathroom!!

 
I have gathered so very many blackberries and sloes. It is a bumper season for them. The sloes are in the freezer, waiting to be bashed into submission and then thrust into gin for Christmas festivities. I have made jam and many a crumble with the blackberries. Some of them are in the freezer too, because September brings the obligatory diet. For Christmas. So that I can eat loads and not burst at the seams. Literally.

We have been out and about in West Cornwall in Betty, soaking up the last of the summer. I love Betty. I'm not bothered that she is the other woman in my life. Not any more. Today we went to Godrevy to put some flowers down for Granny. It's been three years since my beloved mother in law passed away. We all miss her still. She was fabulous. It was a super evening, and we spent it eating hot dogs, playing Frisbee and watching two curious seals watching us watching them. Oh and there were a lot of biscuits....

There now. That wasn't so bad. I can still do this, even with Pops in school.

Onwards!

Big love to you all,

Leanne xxxxx

Thoughts on Thoughts

I haven't been sleeping well lately. An insomnia of sorts. I think that it's more than that though. My days are so rich and full at the moment, it should follow that my nights are spent in a deep satisfying slumber.

Not so much.

I'm tired. And yet my mind is a whir. Flitting from one thing to another. There are lists. And musings. And lots and lots of thinking. About all kinds of stuff. I feel as if I want to share them all here.

With you.

Because I know you. But then again I can't possibly know you. I would never presume such a thing. And yet I trust you. So I'm thinking that maybe all the process and knee jerk that fill these pages, is an attempt to let you really know me. Because the relationship that I have found myself making with you here has become so important. I want you to know me. Because I like you. I think that you're pretty cool. We seem to have a lot in common. And yet these relationships confuse me also. They fall through my fingers like the sand I walk across everyday. I want to give you all something. A pebble from my favourite beach maybe? A little tangible something to connect us.

I have been given support, encouragement and solidarity here. I have poked fun at myself, railed against the world and written posts when I am full throttle pre-menstrual. It has been at once liberating and cringe worthy. There have been posts of pure self indulgence, which I have relished as a thing rarely allowed in my real life. I take risks here by showing little bits of myself to you, and I'm thinking that that is good for me.

Here's the thing....I am not like this in real life. I am a reserved listener, who is rarely as candid as I am here. Would you believe me if I told you that I often feel so lonely slap bang in the centre of this little life I have created for myself?  That my voice has been lost in a sea of voices for a long time. And yet through this space my voice grows a little louder everyday. I am so thankful to you for letting me think here. I am thankful of your quiet holding of me as I go about my thinking.

I am thinking this when I should be asleep.

I am thinking that I shall have an extra cup of coffee instead.

I am thinking.

Thinking that I should open up more to those around me.

Thinking of new challenges ahead.

Thinking of change, and why it scares me.

Thinking of all the sloe and blackberries that I have picked.

Thinking that I don't give myself enough credit.

Thinking that a washed out early return from France wasn't so bad actually.

Thinking that I can be a moody cow.

Thinking that Barbara Kingsolver might just be the best thing since sliced bread.

Thinking about painting the kitchen grey.

Thinking about a slow week ahead (yay).

Thinking of that poor young journalist.

Thinking about nothing in particular.

Thinking.

Think.

That's it.


Leanne xx

Inspired by Annie. But also inspired by all of you.

Liebster

 Christina from A Colourful Life has nominated me for a Liebster. For those of you that don't know, the idea is to write eleven 11 random facts about yourself, answer the eleven questions from your nominator, write eleven questions of your own and nominate people you would like to partake. I always like reading these when other bloggers partake. I am just very nosey.... 

gratuitous picture of cake

So eleven random facts about myself. Is there anything you don't already know?

• I have the world's worst handwriting. Everyday I thank God for the computer and word processing.
  
• I loathe having my photograph taken. Whenever I see a picture of myself, my immediate thought is that I can't possibly look like that! But I've been told that yes, I do.
  
• I have five lamps in my living room. They are not necessarily all on at once.
  
• I have decided that the tunic is to be added to my wardrobe staples, along with breton tops, skinny jeans and flip flops. The tunic is my new friend. It hides a multitude of sins, and for that I am eternally grateful.
  
• Although I allow my emotions and feelings to flow here, in real life I am actually very well behaved. I rarely let anyone see that side of me. I'm more of a listener and less of a talker when it come to emotions.
  
• Having said that I can and will talk the hind legs off a donkey. Try and get a word in edgeways. Go on, I dare you.
  
• I am not very well travelled, but I hope to rectify that as I get older. My top three places would be New Zealand, Iceland and Scotland. I've never been further north than Newcastle.
  
• When I was little I used to love colouring books. I still have a fondness for Berol felt pens. I like to sniff them too.
  
• I have twelve loyalty cards in my purse. My favourite is my Cath Kidston 'St Ives Local' one, which I got when they opened a store in St Ives. I get 10% off all purchases. It's come in very handy.
  
• At the moment I am watching Homeland on Netflix. He's a bit of a bugger that Nicholas Brodie.
  
• I really fancy a glass of wine right now, but I am in my pjs and I can't be bothered to change and pop to the shop. I have no mixer for the gin either, so another cup of tea it is.

Christina has asked the following questions:

• What or who inspired you to start your blog?
  
  Anyone who has followed my blog, will probably know that I started it as a way to record and chart the everyday stuff of my life. It was also to document my fledgling garden, and the growing love and appreciation for the wildlife that could be attracted into it. Olly was an outdoorsy baby, and being outside with him made me stop and look and really see the natural world in a way that I hadn't done since I was little myself. But it was actually Sam who suggested that I write a blog, and he was the one that came up with the name. So although there have been times that I have thought about changing 'Today's Stuff' to something else, I never have. It kind of fits, the name. And anyway what else would it be called?
  
  
• Do you have any pet hates?
  
  Well, manners cost nothing. Not offering your seat to people less able than you, whether they are old or pregnant or have a toddler on their hip or are on crutches. I used to work in London and would catch the tube to work. I was always amazed at how selfish people could be, when it came to a bum on a seat. I always offered up mine. When I was heavily pregnant with Sam, no-one ever asked if I would like to sit. I hate seeing people spit. Urgh. In a tissue if you have to please. I don't like it when people talk behind their hand. And I don't like litter. No need. Put it in your pocket and take it home. And your dog's whotsits. Take that too.
  
  
• What magazine subscriptions to you have?
  
  My Mum bought me a subscription to County Living magazine for my birthday. In May it featured a house near Porth Leven. My house is going to look like that one day. I have ripped it out and saved it. It is so pretty.
  
  
• Do you avoid walking under ladders or do you have any other superstitions?
  
  I am not at all superstitious. I don't believe in ghosts or any of that rubbish either. Load of old clap trap!
  
  
• Describe the art on your living room wall.
  
  I have several prints on my walls of art exhibitions, book covers and seaside themes. I have two charcoal drawings by Seb West, a local artist. I also have three clay tiles with pressed flower reliefs. If I had to choose a favourite it would be the framed poster of Virginia Woolf's 'To The Lighthouse.'
  
  
• What was the last concert you went to?
  
  Well I went to Camp Bestival last year and jumped about to various artists, my favourite being The Proclaimers.
  
  
• If you could invite one well known person for dinner, who would it be and why?
  
  This is a tough one. I think I'd like to invite the comedienne and writer Victoria Wood. I just adore her observational humour so much. I can quote whole rafts of her sketches and shows. Do you want me to?
  
  
• What are you wearing just now?
  
  My pyjamas and my dressing gown. I know. What a stunner.
  
  
• What type of holiday do you enjoy most?
  
  One where I don't cook or wash up. I have never been on one of those, but I would imagine that they are quite nice.
  
  
• What is the naughtiest thing you have done as a child?
  
  Oh God! I really don't want to answer this. You'll think I'm really horrible. The absolute worse thing that I can remember is persuading someone to eat a chocolate digestive biscuit. The chocolate was actually wet mud. He ate it too. I did many more more naughty things as a teen and young adult, but you would definitely hate me if I told you any of those. Let's just say that I have reinvented myself over the years. Well, don't we all?
  
  
• Do you have or did you ever have a role model? Who and why?
  
  I have had several role models as I have grown up. They have all been women, and they have all had a huge positive influence over the emerging me. My Mum is the main one. She is selfless and kind. She is very stoic, and always sees things from both sides. She has a great sense of humour and is able laugh at herself. She loves unconditionally, and is generous with time, money, you name it. She has great legs. I inherited her sense of humour.
  
  
  My questions are:
  
• Which activities can make you lose track of time?
• Who is the funniest person you know?
• What small act of kindness were you shown that you will never forget?
• What can you do today that couldn't do last year?
• Who is your favourite literary heroine?
• Name three things that has made you smile this week.
• What is your favourite sound?
• If you could be someone else for a day, who would it be and why?
• What did you want to be when you grew up?
• What do you see when you close your eyes?
• Who was your favourite band or singer when you were sixteen?

I'm really bad at nominating people. But it would be really cool if some of you would join in. Go on. It makes a change. It's just a bit of fun, and it's better than another sponsored post about dish cloths or the latest vacuum. Or the new must have chair...

Have a go. It would make my day. It's not a cop out*. Honest.

Leanne xx

*okay it's a cop out. Creative Academic, Countryside Tales, Notes From Delft.....how about you guys? x