Monday, 16 April 2018

Touching A Nerve



































Hello there.

I hope that this finds you all well and groovy?

It's the last day of the Easter holidays here, and I'm having a third cup of tea, before I head off out for another day of doing and stuff. It's been busy and lovely and hard and difficult and all sorts in-between. Has been for a while actually. In truth, life has taken rather a battering of late. Perhaps that's why I'm hanging on to The Wink so much. We've had the results of the mundic tests, which was that there was none (phew). I have a site meeting with the planning officer next Monday, to discuss our outline application. Talking to her on the phone today, has given me hope that we should get a favourable response.

So, back to the battered.

I've always tried to be as transparent as possible here. That's partly because I feel that I can, and partly because this space is a record of my life as it trots along. And whether it be good, bad or indifferent I tend to write it down. Of course not everything gets included, but I think I pretty much have very little filter here. And that suits me. I hope that I have never been indiscreet, especially when it comes to writing about other people for instance.

That's a bit of a minefield isn't it? Some of you choose to not make the names of your children public, for example. And I can absolutely see the reason for that. Some of you filter what you record. Again, entirely appropriate. Some of you like to record very specific things; crafts, gardens, interiors and the like. And that's cool. I guess I think of this place as an almost secret diary. I share my stuff, in the knowledge that my secrets are safe with all of you. And not just the secrets, but the everyday adventures too. I've written about the challenges that I face from time to time, my mental health and its' ups and downs, the highs and the lows of family life. I have named and talked about my children, because they are the biggest part of who I am.

And I am comfortable and secure here. Which is a bit weird when it's a public forum that anybody could read. I'm actually a very private person in the real world, and share very little. I'm quite reserved, and not at all big and booming. I don't have that moth to a flame character that some have. In fact I'm entirely average and hum drum, which is just fine with me. I don't think I have a persona when I write. But maybe I do. It's certainly not deliberate if there is one. Sam once said after he'd read one of my posts, that I came across bigger on here than in real life, which says it all really.

It's also a space into which my family rarely venture. They know I write a blog, but aren't at all interested in reading it. I guess it's not their sort of thing. Marc may read it from time to time, and Sam has had a nose. I think that some of my friends may read it occasionally, but again, I'm not sure that they're really that arsed about it. And I actually like that they don't. I don't want them too. It's my thing. It's where I come to read all about you, and write all about me. I've made new friends here. Not conventional friendships, to be sure. But real as any other I've made, and as dear to me too.

And that's why I was so excited to share Ship Shape with you. It was this fabulous and scary departure for me, and I was really proud that I had done it. I was chuffed that I had stepped outside of my small little life, and committed to setting up a business with a trusted family member and friend. And it was going really well. Until the end of February, when it didn't. So I made the difficult decision to part ways with Ship Shape and walk away from not just it, but everything involved in it too. And that's the battered bit, because I feel heartbroken.

My metal health has taken a pasting. I stopped running. I started to comfort eat. I couldn't sleep. I fretted constantly. I started avoiding places. My thoughts became clouded and my judgement poor. I took it out on the boys. I felt anxious all the time. I wanted to talk about it, but I couldn't. I was afraid of what might come out of my mouth. Or onto the page. So all my processing was internal, and that was probably not a good thing.

Thank goodness for my Mum (she with the Charles and Di mug above), who listened to me ramble on and on. Who let me go over the same minute point time and again. Who sat beside me while I got upset. Who gave me quiet counsel and unconditional support that I had done the right thing. Who nudged me to start looking forward and not back. Who reminded me that there was such a lot of good stuff going on in my life, and that I needn't dwell on the bad. I'm telling you, I aspire to be that wise and kind. I'm going to have it printed on a t shirt.

So onwards and upwards, friends. Looking forward to better days. I'm using this space as a bridge between what has been and what is to come. And I thank you for taking the time to let me put it out there. I promise that anything that follows this will be dripping with sarcasm, knob gags and a much lighter attitude to life!

Love to you all,


Leanne xx



32 comments:

  1. I'm sorry that your time with Ship Shape came to an end. You should be very proud of what you achieved, and also of being strong enough to walk away. Things move on, and there will be other challenges and things to create, should you want them. I'm sorry also that your mental health hasn't been great. I hope things improve soon. I know running was going well for you before and you were enjoying it, so I hope you can find your way back to that if you think it would help. I am sending you a cyber hug. I know what you mean about blogs and how private it can feel writing things here, I feel the same. I am a quiet person in life, but I don't think you can tell that on a blog, because I'm talking all the time. You know what I mean. I have been hesitant about starting something new in case it failed. A friend said to me that I need to just get on with it, so that I can then get on with the next thing if it does. So I have put it in motion. Onwards my lovely friend, always onwards. The next thing awaits. Hugs, CJ xx

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    1. Hey CJ,
      Thank you. Life certainly throws the odd curveball or two doesn't it. And to think that I thought I had is all sussed at 48. That'll teach me. I do feel better. I do feel calmer. And most importantly I know that I did the right thing. None of that makes it any easier of course.
      And I am thrilled to hear that you are putting things into motion too. Be brave gentle CJ. Raise your head above the parapet! Watch out for falling rocks!!
      Leanne xx

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  2. Aw, Leanne, I'm sorry to hear that it didn't work out with Ship Shape. You did seem really happy with it, but if it wasn't meant to be, you should still feel very proud of yourself. You worked hard and achieved something pretty amazing. I understand what you mean about blogs. I am not at all open or extroverted in real life, I keep to myself mostly. I have friends but nobody I can call a confidante aside from my husband. This is fine with me, though, I have never needed much social interaction. I'm very happy to be at home with my husband and kids, or even alone with my hobbies or thoughts. As for my blog, I prefer to keep things upbeat there because I need to remind myself of good things, but also, sadly, because there is a long history of inappropriate internet behavior in my extended family (really) and I know that if I spilled my guts on my blog, they'd find it and give me hell. I know because it happened before. I had a blog a long time ago, before it was even cool. And I tried it there and it bit me on the rear end. So no more. I just talk to my husband about the bad stuff, or sometimes friends in a private way, like email. Anyway, I'm sorry to hear you've been feeling low lately. I have been too, for a few reasons. Life has been pretty hard for about six months but it's starting to look up and I'm feeling better than I have in a while, so I'm glad. I hope that you know you can always talk to me if you need someone to vent to. I don't often have good advice, but I'm a decent listener and I don't judge. Take care of yourself. I loved seeing your mother in this post by the way. She looks like the kind of person who would be so nice to hug. She sounds like a wonderful mother too. You're so lucky. I know you appreciate her very much. Hang in there, everything is going to be okay, for sure.

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    1. Hey Jennifer,
      I have emailed you.
      Leanne xx

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  3. I'm so looking forward to seeing the progress of The Wink. And what a beautiful time of year to start something new. It's funny what you wrote about blogging. I'm am a really private person, kind of quiet, but social too. I have always expressed myself better in the written word and love the time and space blogging gives me to share what I'm thinking.

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    1. Hey Vicki,
      I'm very much the same; quiet but social. And private too.
      Leanne xx

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  4. It sounds as if ship shape did what it was meant to do and lasted as long as was healthy for you. If a thing stops being healthy leaving it sounds an eminently sensible thing. I loved what CJ wrote about clearing one thing away in order to start the next. All good and positive, my friend. Take heart xx

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    1. Hey CT,
      I don't regret it, even though I am so sad. Lots of losses, not least the loss of trust for family members. But onwards and upwards.
      Leanne xx

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  5. It takes real guts to recognise when something isn't right for you and to walk away. Don't for a second regret setting up Ship Shape - you learned a huge amount from it and those skills will come in handy again in the future. In the meantime, go easy on yourself and just live the quiet life for a time. Enjoy your family, dream about The Wink, and walk Honey in that stunning place that you live. Oh, and give your Mum a huge hug - she looks and sounds fab! xx

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    1. I am doing all of those things!
      Leanne xx

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  6. As one door closes another opens, or so my mum used to tell me. Something tells me 'The Wink' is going to keep you very busy and hopefully fill you with positive energy. Definitely time to move forward. B x

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    1. Hey Barbara,
      It's definitely a long term project lol.
      Leanne xx

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  7. Oh honey, I am sorry you are feeling down in the dump. You are a super brave woman, you really are. I thought it was amazing that you had the courage and energy to set up a business - never easy, particularly not with a close friend and family because there is more at stake than just a business. I am finding it amazing, too, that you are brave and courageous to say good bye to Ship Shape when you can't find happiness and fulfilment with it. Walking away from something is one of the most difficult things in life and I am happy for you that you were able to do so, even if it leaves you heartbroken. Your heart will heal, with time and with lots of hugs from your mother. Your mum looks like a wonderful woman to have in your life. I would sacrifice a leg to have a mum like you :-)

    I am trapped in a job that leaves me unhappy and stressed on many days. There is only really one minor part of it that I love. I have been trapped in that same situation for years and cannot see myself ending it any time soon. I am too scared to sacrifice an excellent salary, too scared to regret it later, too scared full stop.

    Blogging is a funny thing. I feel quite similar about this public secret diary. I find it comforting to have the relative privacy of distance and the closeness of friends that I have mostly never met. Of course you and I, we have met, it was a lovely experience! I know my mum scrutinises every word I write, and so does my SIL. I know because both have called me, crossly so. I say that it is my space and that if someone doesn't like what I have to say, they don't have to visit.

    Good luck with the Wink! xx

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    1. Hey Christina,
      It's weird; I never saw setting up a business as scary. Perhaps that was the problem; I never gave that bit much thought. I just assumed that me and my sister in law would work well together. It just shows that you can never really know someone.
      I'm honestly glad that my family and friends don't read my blog. I'd probably be less open if they did.
      Will you be visiting Cornwall this year?
      Leanne xx

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  8. Gosh. Where to start. I'm so sorry you've had a difficult time of late. Everyone else has said what I would say about Ship Shape – you're a brave woman to have started it in the first place and to leave it behind when it wasn't for you. Definitely time to move forward to new experiences and opportunities. I think The Wink will be a time-consuming and hugely rewarding project, so it's good you will have time for it.
    It's funny what you and the others say about blogs. Mine is my alter-ego :-) but I'm definitely careful about what I write about on a personal level, purely because I don't want some people who read it to know stuff. I wish it was more anonymous. Maybe I'll throw caution to the wind one day and vent!
    Your mum looks and sounds like a wonderful person and just who you need to buck you up and support you – I am very glad you have her (and she has you). Hang in there, my friend. You'll be grand. S xx

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    1. Hey Sam,
      Yes I'm very hopeful that life at The Wink will be the start of a new and exciting chapter in our lives here. And I was interested to read how everyone views their blogs too. My Mum is a bit of a star to be honest. I aspire to be as wise as her.
      Leanne xx

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  9. I'm sorry that things didn't go well with Ship Shape, you seemed so full of delight and enthusiasm for it and it was such a brave thing to to in the first place...but I think you were bravest of all when you recognized it was time to let go.

    I wonder if you could (eventually) see it as a stepping stone...the first step you had to take to get to the place where The Wink seemed do-able? And with everything you've learned about setting up and running a business, you're ten steps ahead from where you might have been if not for your time with Ship Shape.

    That all said, it doesn't mitigate the tremendous upset of having had to make the decision to leave and I'm sorry that it's been so very hard on you.


    wishing you much love and a peaceful heart. xoxo

    ps. that's a lovely picture of your mum

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    1. Hey Mel,
      It's been like a horrid divorce. Walking away from a business is one thing, but a friendship and family member is something I never thought I would have to do.
      Leanne xx

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  10. It's always worthwhile taking time to recover from something that doesn't turn out as planned and I know that everyone here is very supportive of you. I think just writing this post may have helped you to process some of your emotions and I can see you coming out the other side. New opportunities lie ahead and wish you all the best in everything you do (whether big or small) x

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    1. Hey Antonia,
      How are you?!
      Yes this space is a very special place, with special people.
      Leanne xx

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  11. Fantastic post, and very enticing pictures. Rather better scenes than Nottinghamshire

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    1. Thanks Simon. I'm very lucky to live here.
      Leanne xx

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  12. Can I just echo all the wise words written above. A friend recently told me that we should do everything with a good heart, and if we can't, we should do it only when we can, or not at all. It sounds like you could no longer carry on with ShipShape for that very reason, and you were right to walk away. You are going to have plenty to keep you busy with The Wink, so I am keeping my fingers crossed for you. I love that you feel able to write about the ups and downs of life, some particular to you, some like your struggles with mental health, much more universal than you can imagine. It takes great courage to share these things and I am glad you do it.

    Take care and be strong,

    Lesley Anne xx

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    1. Hey Lesley Anne,
      Thank you. And yes mental health is a universal struggle. My blog helps me articulate my own health, and I'm grateful for this space. And grateful for of all you for never judging and always responding with kindness.
      Leanne xx

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  13. Leanne, I'm very glad you have your mum there to be a listening ear as you work through all that surrounded the end of your business. The thing that struck me though was that you have been a double success. First of all, you succeeded in setting up and running your own business (something very few people ever manage to do!). And secondly, you succeeded at knowing when the right time was to step away from it all (again, something very few people manage much to the detriment of their own health and peace of mind).

    The other thing I wanted to say was over the past six months on my own journey through grief and struggling with my own mental health I happened upon a blog post about the microbiome. They mentioned a book called The Psychobiotic Revolution. I immediately put it on my Kindle and read it. I then started making sure that every day I had at least two things that had probiotics in them (yogurt, but not the sweetened low fat kind, kombucha, real sauerkraut as opposed to the stuff on the grocery aisle, kimchi, etc.). I have to say that within a week or two I started to feel better. The grief is still there, and it always will be, but my head is in a much better place now and I can cope. Anyway, I hope you don't mind me telling you this. I know everyone is different and what helped me might not help you. But it has made such a difference in my life I felt I should mention it. Hugs to you...

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    1. Hey Kristie,
      My diet and my mental health go hand in hand. When I'm not 100%, I start to eat badly. I cannot get control of it. I crave all the wrong things, and too much of them too. But this week I have started to get on top of this, which is a good sign. It means I am starting to look after myself again. The probiotic ideal is very interesting, and I shall look into it. Thanks for sharing. And much love to you..

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  14. Hi, I have just seen you new post. You should ALWAYS go with your gut instincts, and if it is telling you that something is detrimental to your whole life, then of course you cut it out... At least you tried to do something, it just didn't work out. Take it steady.

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    1. Thank you. My guts had been telling me for a while. I'm glad I listened to them in the end.
      Leanne xx

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  15. Your blog is so honest and that's why I read it, that and all those stunning pictures. I would swap homes in a heartbeat and I actually love mine! You have a wonderful mum and one I think we all aspire to be. I'm so sorry that your mental health has suffered due past events, but your Mum's counsel is wise, move forward there is so much good stuff waiting for you.

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  16. Hi Leanne, everything everyone else has said above and no matter how hard it can be, walking away from something / someone that is not enhancing your life can be extremely hard but also the right thing in the long run, speaking from my own experience. The Wink sounds so exciting and a great project for you to focus on and get stuck into and has probably come along just at the right time. Sometimes things fall into place, as if it was meant to be, even if it started out as a trying and upsetting event. Now I think I've rambled on, take care x

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  17. I thought I subscribe to your blog posts but then maybe I don't because I didn't realise you had written this! So sorry it didn't work out and that it's been so upsetting but well done for recognising this and being brave enough to make the break - it's so much easier to just carry on doing what you're doing and resenting every minute: it takes courage to speak up.
    And your new venture sounds so exciting! I would love to be standing at your side when you begin work, to soak up the environment and to cast my eyes over all the wares!
    Your mum sounds a treasure 😊 Xx

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  18. Sounds like a really exhausting time - such a though choice, but such a necessary one, too. To me it sounds like you come out quite big irl: standing by your self surely is big!

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