Internal Drifting

 

I have a lot of internal chatter right now. Do you ever get that? It's not anxiety, although there are worries lurking away. I've not really been able to write a coherent sentence for a while, either on here or in my journal or the other writing that waits in the wings. I think it's because life has been really busy here - good stuff and not so good stuff - and I find I haven't got the energy to devote elsewhere.

And I've been thinking a lot about my time spent training and studying to be a counsellor. I loved my counselling course. I mean, I really loved it. The learning experience, the knowledge gathered, the skills acquired and all the really amazing people that I met and shared it all with along the way. I don't regret giving up working as a counsellor. I found it really hard to juggle it's demands and the demands of home. I think I probably wasn't resilient enough in the end, although I did have faith in my counselling practice. It just took too much out of me, and so I had to prioritise what was most important. Ultimately it was my family, and when I walked away it wasn't with regret or a sense of guilt. I knew that I had made the right decision, even though it made me feel sad too. And that was okay, because it was a healthy sadness and I could process it and move on.

But I do miss the bit before. The learning bit, and the connections made. I miss writing my reflective journal (although I guess in some ways I'm still doing that). The fact that that it was read by my tutors as part of my course appraisal, was something I came to value so much for their comments and input into my thoughts and feelings. I trusted them implicitly with those precious words. I wanted them to read it. I think it was because I really wanted someone to stand beside me while I poured out the stuff that was rolling around in my head. I liked knowing that they knew it all too. That they held it for me, and kept a bond of trust by their confidential stance. It never felt like exposure.

I'm wondering whether I'm retuning to that time, because right now I need to return to those skills, and I need to be able to re-connect with the core tenants of my person centred training. I need to for the sake of stuff at home. In many ways I have to try and find a way to not just be 'Mum' but also be listener, empathiser, congruent and non-judgemental, balancing that with all the necessary boundaries and rules of the household. And of course a Mum strives to all that too; I just need to be able to side step a bit of the Mum. Kind of walk around her, and pop her on the back burner every now and again.

But I think I also need something else. I need to open up that intellectual side of me once more. I crave those books spread out in front of me, and the chewing of the pencil. I yearn for the racking of the brains to gain an understanding of something new. I want a little of that eureka moment, when it all starts to make sense and slot into place. My reading levels have been soaring through the roof this year. I'm devouring novels at an alarming rate. That's not a boast, but an indicator of how much my brain is demanding to be used in a way other than the role I play in my daily life.

Don't get me wrong, my daily life is full and rewarding and hard and difficult and wonderful and everything in between. I'm not bored by any means. And anyway I chose it in good faith, and I wouldn't have it any other way. There's just a space. A gap. Something that needs to be filled. Something a little more for me and my head. I'm not hugely clever or gifted. Bright, yes. Quick witted, yes. But so many things are completely out of my realm of understanding. But I'd just really like a bit of study.

......

I'm also totally aware of my neglect of you all these past few weeks. It's something that I do feel guilty about, because I cant begin to tell you how much I value this community that I have been welcomed into. My blog is really important to me, and I know that so are yours to you all. And I have been slack in the being witness, advocate, joker and commenting on your lives and thoughts and feelings, which is rather remiss of me. I have a fortnight of work to the house coming up. Big stuff; painting the outside of the house, and an re-vamp of the living and dining room. We're talking sanding floors, wood burners, re-arrangement, painting and decorating the whole sh-bang. So clearly that's going to upset the apple cart some. But I'm hoping that the return to school and term time routines will offset some of the mayhem that will ensue. And that I can find time and space for visiting you all. I feel like a friend that's been a bit rubbish actually. Sorry. I'd make it up to you with cake if I could. Or a curry and a beer :)

I do have some posts of my own planned. Quite loosely obviously. As you know my blog isn't scripted. It's a mixture of news from here, 'stuff' and processing on the page. But there's quite a few things that I'd like to share with you all, and to record it here for future reading. The above snaps were taken with my phone (as I've been writing this, I'm aware that I have no idea where my camera is. Slightly concerned, I won't lie). We've been camping. I'm getting over a bout of tonsillitis (I've had a child's illness. Can it get more ridiculous?!). The garden looks beautiful, and I'm so proud of it. St Ives is glorious right now. The blues are out of this world. The twinkly sea mesmerising. Betty is back on the drive and gearing up for a little re-fit of her own. And the big story chez Today's Stuff, is that Marc is taking a two month sabbatical during July and August. Have I mentioned that already? I'm so excited about it. We haven't spent any real length of time as a full family unit for thirteen years.

And now it's 12.30am, and I think my mind has been let off steam ;))

Thank you blog.

Thanks guys. Aren't you lovely.

Leanne xx