Sunday 5 June 2016

Internal Drifting



 





I have a lot of internal chatter right now. Do you ever get that? It's not anxiety, although there are worries lurking away. I've not really been able to write a coherent sentence for a while, either on here or in my journal or the other writing that waits in the wings. I think it's because life has been really busy here - good stuff and not so good stuff - and I find I haven't got the energy to devote elsewhere.

And I've been thinking a lot about my time spent training and studying to be a counsellor. I loved my counselling course. I mean, I really loved it. The learning experience, the knowledge gathered, the skills acquired and all the really amazing people that I met and shared it all with along the way. I don't regret giving up working as a counsellor. I found it really hard to juggle it's demands and the demands of home. I think I probably wasn't resilient enough in the end, although I did have faith in my counselling practice. It just took too much out of me, and so I had to prioritise what was most important. Ultimately it was my family, and when I walked away it wasn't with regret or a sense of guilt. I knew that I had made the right decision, even though it made me feel sad too. And that was okay, because it was a healthy sadness and I could process it and move on.

But I do miss the bit before. The learning bit, and the connections made. I miss writing my reflective journal (although I guess in some ways I'm still doing that). The fact that that it was read by my tutors as part of my course appraisal, was something I came to value so much for their comments and input into my thoughts and feelings. I trusted them implicitly with those precious words. I wanted them to read it. I think it was because I really wanted someone to stand beside me while I poured out the stuff that was rolling around in my head. I liked knowing that they knew it all too. That they held it for me, and kept a bond of trust by their confidential stance. It never felt like exposure.

I'm wondering whether I'm retuning to that time, because right now I need to return to those skills, and I need to be able to re-connect with the core tenants of my person centred training. I need to for the sake of stuff at home. In many ways I have to try and find a way to not just be 'Mum' but also be listener, empathiser, congruent and non-judgemental, balancing that with all the necessary boundaries and rules of the household. And of course a Mum strives to all that too; I just need to be able to side step a bit of the Mum. Kind of walk around her, and pop her on the back burner every now and again.

But I think I also need something else. I need to open up that intellectual side of me once more. I crave those books spread out in front of me, and the chewing of the pencil. I yearn for the racking of the brains to gain an understanding of something new. I want a little of that eureka moment, when it all starts to make sense and slot into place. My reading levels have been soaring through the roof this year. I'm devouring novels at an alarming rate. That's not a boast, but an indicator of how much my brain is demanding to be used in a way other than the role I play in my daily life.

Don't get me wrong, my daily life is full and rewarding and hard and difficult and wonderful and everything in between. I'm not bored by any means. And anyway I chose it in good faith, and I wouldn't have it any other way. There's just a space. A gap. Something that needs to be filled. Something a little more for me and my head. I'm not hugely clever or gifted. Bright, yes. Quick witted, yes. But so many things are completely out of my realm of understanding. But I'd just really like a bit of study.

......

I'm also totally aware of my neglect of you all these past few weeks. It's something that I do feel guilty about, because I cant begin to tell you how much I value this community that I have been welcomed into. My blog is really important to me, and I know that so are yours to you all. And I have been slack in the being witness, advocate, joker and commenting on your lives and thoughts and feelings, which is rather remiss of me. I have a fortnight of work to the house coming up. Big stuff; painting the outside of the house, and an re-vamp of the living and dining room. We're talking sanding floors, wood burners, re-arrangement, painting and decorating the whole sh-bang. So clearly that's going to upset the apple cart some. But I'm hoping that the return to school and term time routines will offset some of the mayhem that will ensue. And that I can find time and space for visiting you all. I feel like a friend that's been a bit rubbish actually. Sorry. I'd make it up to you with cake if I could. Or a curry and a beer :)

I do have some posts of my own planned. Quite loosely obviously. As you know my blog isn't scripted. It's a mixture of news from here, 'stuff' and processing on the page. But there's quite a few things that I'd like to share with you all, and to record it here for future reading. The above snaps were taken with my phone (as I've been writing this, I'm aware that I have no idea where my camera is. Slightly concerned, I won't lie). We've been camping. I'm getting over a bout of tonsillitis (I've had a child's illness. Can it get more ridiculous?!). The garden looks beautiful, and I'm so proud of it. St Ives is glorious right now. The blues are out of this world. The twinkly sea mesmerising. Betty is back on the drive and gearing up for a little re-fit of her own. And the big story chez Today's Stuff, is that Marc is taking a two month sabbatical during July and August. Have I mentioned that already? I'm so excited about it. We haven't spent any real length of time as a full family unit for thirteen years.

And now it's 12.30am, and I think my mind has been let off steam ;))

Thank you blog.

Thanks guys. Aren't you lovely.

Leanne xx

21 comments:

  1. I know what you mean about he need to stretch our minds, to learn something new and to use the new skill. Good luck on the house revamp. Time together is precious, enjoy every moment.

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  2. A 2 month sabbatical - how lovely for you all. I think it's important for mums to keep the old brain active and some sense of self. It's far too easy for us to become completely absorbed by family life and then 18 years or more down the line, to look back and wonder where we disappeared to. I'm very envious of your house revamp and look forward to seeing some before and after shots - good luck finding your camera. xx

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  3. I hope you get to stretch your mind. I felt a similar need a few years back and accomplished a lot. Although after I stretched it to full capacity it snapped back into place and pinged lots of learning cells everywhere. My eldest son recently donated his ipad to me - I'm struggling with even the simplest task on it. Ah well, I was clever at one time! I hope you find your camera I realised last night that I've misplaced my debit card. I think its in the car somewhere or at least I hope it is. Enjoy Marc's sabbatical. Mike and I have just spent a wonderful week off together. No trips, no preplanned days out just time spent pottering around and being together. xx

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  4. Being a full time mum does lead to empty spaces in the mind; I remember them well! Intellectual debate somehow doesn't go with the territory. There is something out there that will emerge as the children grow and will feel right for you. It just can feel like a wilderness at times while you wait for it to happen. In the meantime enjoy the house renovations and that lovely time with your husband. B xx

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  5. I know what you mean about the craving to do something, to learn, to progress. That's why I started writing a little here and there. Your counselling course sounds excellent, I can see why you enjoyed it. Good luck with all of the decorating. I'm envying you your woodburner, I'd so love one. It sounds like summer will be wonderful this year with Marc at home. Time for many happy adventures I think. Glad the garden is looking good. All that hard work is worth it. CJ xx

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  6. I just love learning new stuff, anything goes, and I totally understand that you feel the need to stip step the mum bit for a little while every now and then. Take an evening class? Do a postgraduate degree (online maybe)..... or maybe you have a secret hobby that you would like to take a step further? How great to have Mark at home for a whole two months! I am not surprised you are exited. I am really sad not to visit Cornwall this year and miss a chance to cash in on that curry :-) Have a lovely lovely week. xxx

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  7. I had the same sense three yeas back when I started my degree. It did exactly what was needed so I'd say go for it. The things you do for you are so important and can get lost in being mum. A whole summer off together, what bliss xx

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  8. I think it would be really fun and interesting to take classes again. I don't really have the time to devote to it myself, unfortunately for me, but if you do, I think you should go for it. I would love to hear all about it. I'm glad to hear Marc is taking time off, that sounds really nice. I hope it provides good family time for all of you. Take care and have a good week, Leanne.

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  9. I know where you are coming from I would have found it difficult to be a Mum without my work to engage me. It is good news to hear Marc is taking two months off. It sounds as if you are going to be so busy over the next few weeks make sure you still have some time to relax too! Sarah x

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  10. i can absolutely relate to your need for more 'brain time' - i LOVE learning, always have. self-study has been my saviour more than once.

    your renos sound lovely...not the actual reno-ing part, that sounds upheaval-ish, but the final product will be brilliant. as is having Marc home for two whole months! it's going to be a fab summer. xo

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  11. Good old swingball, many a sore hand or face, or rope burn, caused by that in summers past

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    1. We have had four since we moved, and I have broken every one in my hideous zeal to win....

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  12. I hope that all goes well in every way. xx

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  13. Nicely put Mrs. That's an understatement, of course! I thank goodness for my blog although I restrain myself to quite a large degree with what I write about. (I wish I'd never told my mother, my mother-in-law, etc about it!) Regardless of the constraints upon my writing, it is a creative outlet and I love it. There is so much more to mums than the mum bit but being a mum does elbow most time and energy out of the way. Finding a balance is blinking hard. I'm sending good vibes through the ether for all that you have coming up and for a wonderful summer en famile. Sam xx

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  14. I hope you find new ways to stretch your mind. I went through the same thoughts a few years ago, I was going to enrol in an evening class but then things got busy and I never got round to it. One day, maybe. How exciting having Marc at home for such a long period, and during the summer holidays too, I'm sure you'll have lots of wonderful family time together.

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  15. It sounds as though you have good times ahead of you - brilliant news about Marc being around: it's difficult being separated for work. You'll have a full house soon!
    I used to feel exactly the same, wanting a bit more but not really knowing what that bit more was. I studied with the OU and loved it but it's a big commitment - dip your toe into one of their short, free courses and try it out. Nothing ventured and all that!
    Would love to have a cake or a curry with you! I reckon you'd be quite entertaining 😉 Xx

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    1. I never knew they offered those kind of course, so I'm def going to look into that. Thanks for the tip Lou.
      L xx

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  16. I've just written a long comment which has disappeared into the ether. I guess it wasn't meant to be. I'm so touched by your comments and I miss those days too. You have a wonderful ability to allow others into your world with total authenticity. Love your blog. You're something special Leanne. Love Roz X

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  17. I love your posts, they always make me think and I enjoy your observations of life. I hope you enjoy your summer of family time together. Lovely photos again, especially the beach, #beachenvy! :) xx

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  18. Oh wow, that sounds fantastic! I wish Jay could do that - it would be really wonderful.
    I too have been too busy to read and comment. I shouldn't let my life reach the point where I just race from one thing to the next, always list-making and planning and multi-tasking. It makes me very anxious and that's never a good thing.
    Leanne, I think your writing is really impressive. I also love novels but really wish I had more time to relax and read. Your love of reading and your writing style... You should write more. You enjoy it, we get a lot from reading what you write. Have you ever considered it? I have, but wouldn't know where to start.
    Enjoy that beautiful part of the world you're in :)
    S x

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  19. Loving the idea of the two month sabbatical, that will be amazing, and so good for you all. I am really excited about your home improvements, but also know how unsettling the chaos is. I just found that I kept putting stuff down and never remembering where I had put it. Bills, summer fair raffle tickets, phone, all sorts. It disturbs one's equilibrium. But think of the floors and the wood burner and how you're working on your home, and how you'll get to enjoy it all soon. Much love to you. xx

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