Touching A Nerve

Hello there.

I hope that this finds you all well and groovy?

It's the last day of the Easter holidays here, and I'm having a third cup of tea, before I head off out for another day of doing and stuff. It's been busy and lovely and hard and difficult and all sorts in-between. Has been for a while actually. In truth, life has taken rather a battering of late. Perhaps that's why I'm hanging on to The Wink so much. We've had the results of the mundic tests, which was that there was none (phew). I have a site meeting with the planning officer next Monday, to discuss our outline application. Talking to her on the phone today, has given me hope that we should get a favourable response.

So, back to the battered.

I've always tried to be as transparent as possible here. That's partly because I feel that I can, and partly because this space is a record of my life as it trots along. And whether it be good, bad or indifferent I tend to write it down. Of course not everything gets included, but I think I pretty much have very little filter here. And that suits me. I hope that I have never been indiscreet, especially when it comes to writing about other people for instance.

That's a bit of a minefield isn't it? Some of you choose to not make the names of your children public, for example. And I can absolutely see the reason for that. Some of you filter what you record. Again, entirely appropriate. Some of you like to record very specific things; crafts, gardens, interiors and the like. And that's cool. I guess I think of this place as an almost secret diary. I share my stuff, in the knowledge that my secrets are safe with all of you. And not just the secrets, but the everyday adventures too. I've written about the challenges that I face from time to time, my mental health and its' ups and downs, the highs and the lows of family life. I have named and talked about my children, because they are the biggest part of who I am.

And I am comfortable and secure here. Which is a bit weird when it's a public forum that anybody could read. I'm actually a very private person in the real world, and share very little. I'm quite reserved, and not at all big and booming. I don't have that moth to a flame character that some have. In fact I'm entirely average and hum drum, which is just fine with me. I don't think I have a persona when I write. But maybe I do. It's certainly not deliberate if there is one. Sam once said after he'd read one of my posts, that I came across bigger on here than in real life, which says it all really.

It's also a space into which my family rarely venture. They know I write a blog, but aren't at all interested in reading it. I guess it's not their sort of thing. Marc may read it from time to time, and Sam has had a nose. I think that some of my friends may read it occasionally, but again, I'm not sure that they're really that arsed about it. And I actually like that they don't. I don't want them too. It's my thing. It's where I come to read all about you, and write all about me. I've made new friends here. Not conventional friendships, to be sure. But real as any other I've made, and as dear to me too.

And that's why I was so excited to share Ship Shape with you. It was this fabulous and scary departure for me, and I was really proud that I had done it. I was chuffed that I had stepped outside of my small little life, and committed to setting up a business with a trusted family member and friend. And it was going really well. Until the end of February, when it didn't. So I made the difficult decision to part ways with Ship Shape and walk away from not just it, but everything involved in it too. And that's the battered bit, because I feel heartbroken.

My metal health has taken a pasting. I stopped running. I started to comfort eat. I couldn't sleep. I fretted constantly. I started avoiding places. My thoughts became clouded and my judgement poor. I took it out on the boys. I felt anxious all the time. I wanted to talk about it, but I couldn't. I was afraid of what might come out of my mouth. Or onto the page. So all my processing was internal, and that was probably not a good thing.

Thank goodness for my Mum (she with the Charles and Di mug above), who listened to me ramble on and on. Who let me go over the same minute point time and again. Who sat beside me while I got upset. Who gave me quiet counsel and unconditional support that I had done the right thing. Who nudged me to start looking forward and not back. Who reminded me that there was such a lot of good stuff going on in my life, and that I needn't dwell on the bad. I'm telling you, I aspire to be that wise and kind. I'm going to have it printed on a t shirt.

So onwards and upwards, friends. Looking forward to better days. I'm using this space as a bridge between what has been and what is to come. And I thank you for taking the time to let me put it out there. I promise that anything that follows this will be dripping with sarcasm, knob gags and a much lighter attitude to life!

Love to you all,


Leanne xx