Monday 6 October 2014

On Solid Ground

"If you know someone who's depressed please resolve never to ask them why. Depression isn't a straightforward response to a bad situation, depression just is, like the weather.
"Try to understand the blackness, lethargy, hopelessness and loneliness they're going through. Be there for them when they come through the other side. It's hard to be a friend to someone who's depressed, but it is one of the kindest, noblest and best things you will ever do."

Stephen Fry



 


Last week I decided I would buy a puppy. The boys were all for it. Sam even found some for sale in the paper. Then I remembered that I was on medication, and it was no doubt responsible for any rash decision making. The fog that has been clouding my mood for, well, quite a few months if I'm honest, is lifting. I'm rarely honest with myself about the fog. Far from it in fact. I'm fine, I'm fine, I'm fine. Honestly I'm fine.

My head doesn't feel so full of clutter and nastiness. My serotonin levels are creeping steadily upwards no doubt. I drop Olly off to school, and I do what needs to be done. I enjoy it too. I like engrossing myself in the mundane of loading the washing machine and making beds. It is purposeful. It has a positive effect on me. I am enjoying those small acts again.

I go out. I wander all over St Ives. I feel the breeze whipping the hair around my face. I taste the salt on my lips. I enjoy the warmth from the sun. I take off my flip flops and scrunch the sand between my toes. I sit and drink a coffee and take in the view. I study the big skies above my head. I people watch, and listen to snippets of conversations: "I said to him, just you get that thing out of my body!"

Once again I have to thank you. For listening. For hearing. For caring. For not rolling your eyes skywards thinking 'for Jeff's sake, Leanne, get a grip.' My grip is vice like I can assure you. I think that it takes a perverse strength to live with depression. There are times that the feelings of utter hopelessness threaten that grip. Often I dangle over the edge with my fingers scrabbling at the loose rock. But I am always pulled up. I am always given a hand when I need it the most.

So thank you for helping to pull me up. Thanks for the helping hand. It was an act of kindness that I won't forget.

Leanne xx





19 comments:

  1. Take care. Glad you are enjoying some of the everyday things - like you, I enjoy the purpose and structure they give my days. Take care. x

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  2. Beautiful pictures, Leanne. I've thought of you often since your last post. I'm glad the fog is starting to lift for you.

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  3. The beauty that surrounds you perfectly reflect the beauty inside you, Leanne. In the midst of your pain there are moments of joy, thank you for sharing that blue sky with us. I dream of living near the sea. The breeze and scent of the salty water, the call of sea birds, the endless patterns and rhythms of the waves on the sand. Treasure in abundance. It's not a bad life (even if there are occasional bad days!) Take time for yourself and enjoy the small successes in your daily routine. Love Mary

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  4. I was just thinking about you this morning and wondering if you were feeling a little better and hoping that you were. Sometimes the only thing to do is to hold on to the thought that it will pass. And it will. Sending you a cyber hug and many good wishes. CJ xx

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  5. Hi Leanne, I know a woman who on the surface 'has it all', clever, attractive, lovely old house, big circle of friends, but likes to have a drink... this year the drink took over and she is now known as the drunk lady who falls over in the street and wets herself. She absolutely did not choose that. People talk about her in a nasty way, and if I hear it I ask them - do you really think she has chosen to be like this? Depression must be the same, you seem to have it all, so why would you 'choose' to be depressed??? Well you don't of course it creeps up on you... Sorry to get so deep, I just wish people could think before they judge someone!

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  6. Sounds like you're taking the right steps. The right steps are necessary for recovery, even if you don't 'feel' it yet. Going for walks and doing mundane but useful things are very powerful tools for getting out of the mind and into the body. "Chop wood, carry water," as the Buddhists say.

    Thinking about you lots over here xxx

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  7. Wish I could brew you a cup of tea, Irish Breakfast, and pour it steaming hot into a pottery mug ( I just found four wonderful ones at the thrift shop) and walk together along the pebbled shore. Mmmm, no, forget the tea, and just walk the pebbled shore. You need to have your hands free to pick up rocks and shells.......
    There are friends far and wide and near and far who wish you joy, and I am one of them.

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  8. keep going honey bun, one foot in front of the other, and don't be too hard on yourself. This too shall pass xx

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  9. I feel a child-free trip to St Ives is on the cards very soon, I hope we can enjoy a stroll and a natter. I'm relying on you to show me all the best cafes and out of the way places that only a local would know. Great to hear that things are looking better from your world x

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  10. Thank you Leanne for posting about depression - your words are a comfort always and beautiful too. A big hug from me to you xo

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  11. You are doing everything you should be, I am sure. I'm glad you're feeling better and I know you'll continue to feel even better still. The thing about going so low, is that you can only go upwards. xx

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  12. You write with great honesty, Leanne and I am glad that you are feeling better. x

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  13. Brave lady - well done x

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  14. That is a great quote at the beginning, and a beautiful sentiment at the end. I somehow missed your last post, your blue post, so I didn't know. Now I'm just happy for you that you're out the other side xxx

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  15. I too missed your last post. My mum and mother in law suffered with depression and Stephen Fry's words are so true. I admire you for being able to talk about it . I hope you can grab the rock with both hands. Thinking of you. Sarah x

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  16. I am glad you are on solid ground Leanne once more. Always here for you, remotely but with all my heart. Christina xx

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  17. Glad the fog is lifting a little. I've just started Stephen Fry's newest autobiography - he writes so well and really captures that in the quote. x

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