Monday, 13 October 2014

I am/I try to be/I am not

I am

  • Having a trying day today dealing with issues with Alfie and Olly. It's time like these that I loathe the part-time single parenting role.
  • Drinking lots of tea. Gallons in fact.
  • Really into reading at the moment. I go to bed early to read. I spend a portion of every day reading. It is restorative. Well, almost. 'Gone Girl' was a bit fraught.
  • Disappointed that I missed the end of summer gardening window. Lets hope that we have some fine days before the end of the month.
  • Going hydro-running tomorrow. I have to take a pair of socks.  Me in a one piece and a pair of argylls. Can you imagine?
  • Really pissed off with Alfie's school today. You'll be pleased to hear that I held my own with the stroppy deputy head. I think I over used the phrase 'with respect' though.
  • Enjoying Instagram. It has helped me while I've been unable to write anything here.

I try to be

  • A good Mum. But by God it's taking every ounce of strength at the moment.
  • A good friend. But I'm wondering if I've been a bit lacking lately?
  • Not so frivolous. With money mainly.
  • Honest. It's the best policy. But then again I worry that I should hold stuff back. I don't know. Life, eh?
  • All the colours of the rainbow. But I seem to be wearing mostly grey, blue and black.
  • Better at replying to comments on my blog posts. Can you believe that I only recently twigged that I could email back a reply? Dear God I amaze myself with my own stupidity!
  • A person who enjoys playing puzzles with her four year old.

I am not

  • Going to lose a stone before Christmas. This evening I don't really care whether I do or don't.
  • Young anymore. I am not old either. But I am not young. Some days I feel sad about that.
  • Looking forward to flying this Friday. It's a small plane. I will be sat next to the rear gunner.
  • Very good at saying No. I don't think I ever will be.
  • A high achiever. I have sometimes wondered what that would be like. Is it just a lot of hard work and late nights?
  •  Very groomed. I haven't plucked my eyebrows since I went to Belfast.
  • Good at card games. I hate card games. Card games suck.

You may have seen this on Jennifer's wonderful blog. I thought it was a gentle re-entry into blogland. I'm not aiming to be the poster girl for depression (lol). But I have rather lost my way here. I don't want to. I love my blog. I love your blogs. I think it has a lot to do with not doing much. And my little partner in crime is now fully immersed at school and doing this:

Honestly I nearly fell over on Saturday when I saw it. I thought he was doodling in my notebook. Not writing his name. I have always been staggered by how it happens - you know, the reading and the writing. It's miraculous I think. It's the same as when they draw a proper person for the first time. With five fingers on each hand, and a smile and a nose 

Perhaps I should take a tip, and start writing in my notebook again. Perhaps I should get out there with my camera. My proper one. Not my phone one. Perhaps I should do some exploring of my own, and report back here with tales of adventure. What do you reckon? I am feeling better every day. I feel positively human. I am balancing the tightrope in my tutu and waving to the crowd! 

Love and kisses,

Leanne xxxxx


  1. I loved reading this, Leanne. I'm so glad you did it too. It really made me think about myself. I had a terrible experience fighting over something with my kids' school last week and I felt like punching a hole in the wall. Seriously, I'm a very calm person but make a problem for one of my kids, or make it hard for me to do the right thing by them, and you'll feel the wrath. I hope you're having a more relaxing time soon and that you're feeling well. Oliver's writing is excellent, good for him. Yes, writing is good for you too, and I hope you find it helpful.

  2. So glad you are back writing here. Having been thinking about you a lot and I enjoyed this post.

  3. I am glad that you are starting to feel better!! Good on you for standing up to the teacher too. Olly is doing so well writing his name already and so well too, if you don't feel like blogging he will be able to take over at this rate! I hope that you keep finding yourself, it takes time, but it will come and the best things come to those who wait! xx

  4. This is a lovely reflective post Leanne and I really enjoyed reading it. I only recently realised email replies were possible too rather than opening up a new email so giggled at the 'amazing myself with my own stupidity' comment as that it totally me. I often wonder how I am allowed out without a grown-up....! Still I reckon perfection is overrated.

  5. Well done Olly! Well done you for standing up to teach! I did same yesterday over a workshop L's school is putting on which has a bit in the middle I consider inappropriate for a 13 year old to know about at this stage. Parents know their children and we should be their voice when they need help. Not a high achiever eh? How about launching three lives and being there for them whenever they need you? That's pretty high achieving in my book. xx

  6. Lovely to read your words Leanne and sorry you're finding it tough at the moment. But don't be too hard on yourself - we're all frantically paddling behind the scenes too. My eldest son thinks I'm the worst person in the world and I'm currently hiding in bed because I don't want to face work. Sending you a big hug xxx

  7. Your lists totally resonate with me, it seems to me we all struggle with the same issues. I also try to be a person who enjoys doing puzzles with her four year old, haha. And although I work outside the home, I am not a high achiever; in fact, I used to scold myself for my lack of ambition (doing that less and less now, thankfully).

    Until a couple of minutes ago, I didn't know you could email a reply!?! So thanks for informing me :-)

    Ever so glad you're starting to feel better. Be gentle with yourself xxx

  8. Leanne - you're doing great. And I'm not going to lose a stone before Christmas either

  9. Hi Leanne. I am glad you are feeling optimistic! I like it when you wave to us (tutu and all). Parenting is often hard work and full of simmering frustration, and it feels like Groundhog Day a lot. It is the moments when your cherub draws the first person with fingers, smile and nose that make it all worthwhile. So I try to convince myself when I am really cross with one or the other.
    I never pluck my eyebrows, it is overrated. And I love reading in bed (didn't like Gone Girl), sometimes knitting, too. Olly is a star! Lots and lots of love, Christina.
    P.S. Reply by email??? How??

  10. I am clapping wildly, both at you in your tutu and Ollly with his writing. I quite often have moments of clarity with the computer when I go "Wow, I had no idea you could do that". Of course it's always things that everyone else was born knowing how to do. I hope the flying goes okay, you sound as if you are going into battle. And good luck with the hydro running. I have no idea what it is, but I am imagining you sprinting through the icy waves on the Towans beach. I'm guessing that would be excellent for the circulation. My tweezers have been promoted to stamp collecting tool and are only occasionally available for eyebrow duty. I shall look forward to seeing some of your beautiful Cornish photos if you take your camera out on an adventure. Take care of you. CJ xx

  11. Well done to Olly and writing his name what an achievement! Despite have a trying day you are are still being optismistic. Hope the running helped today! Sarah x

  12. Sounds like you're already adventuring, and I'm looking forward to hearing and seeing more. Would love to know what books you recommend, ones that you turn to again and again or ones to fit a mood. I keep going back to the same favourites but am always looking to try something new. x

  13. Hydro running and flying doesn't really sound like not doing much you know. But if you keep tickling our ribs and tugging on our heart strings in your inimitable way I think we'd turn up and read if your sole activity was eyebrow plucking ;)

    Take care of yourself missus x

  14. glad you are starting to feel better xxx

  15. Love this post. I've done one too...
    I know what you mean with the handwriting...BigR has really come on too!

  16. Saying "with respect" always feels great because you're being polite and not losing your temper, but we all know there is no respect going on! I do hope things with schools are being resolved.

    I think you should move "a good mum" from "I try to be" to "I am". Olly's handwriting is outstanding. xx

  17. Lovely blog post, glad you are feeling a little better. 'It is hard to calve a life out for yourself during the day and not to feel guilty if you are enjoying yourself. But honestly it is allowed. If you find something you enjoy just for you would love to hear about it. Walking and taking photos sounds like a great start. Well done x Jane

  18. I'm a bit behind in my blog reading (it was a Canadian holiday and I had weekend guests). I really liked this blog idea when I saw Jennifer do it, and I like your version as well. I might give it a try next week.

    Good for you for standing up to the deputy head! I'm curious about Instagram. I've signed up for it, but am not quite sure what to do with it now that I have, other than to follow a few people and look at their pictures. If you need a blog post idea, how about doing one on how you use Instagram? As for trying to be all colours of the rainbow, but finding you've been mostly been wearing grey, blue and black, I feel just the same. In fact, yesterday when I did my Day One journal entry on my iPad I started it with a picture of the grey skies and commented on how that was exactly how I felt.

  19. I'm not very good at saying no either. I've been working on that for a while but am still useless at it.
    As for being a 'high achiever', again, me neither. But that's something which is entirely subjective. You're a good mum, a good writer and a creative. To me that's way more important than driving a flash car and pushing a pen at a desk with a phone tucked under your ear until God knows when every evening. Meetings, targets, office politics, commuting. Been there, done that. It's overrated and is no measure of your worth as a person.
    I mean, just look at those very, very tragic (and delusional) people on The Apprentice.
    As for wearing blue, black and grey: me too. Nothing wrong with that. They're the colours of the sky, the sea and of rocks and stones. The things which inspire you, judging by some of those photos you take.
    Go easy on yourself. And, by the way, don't worry about slavishly joining in with the collaboration each month :)
    P.S. My losing a stone before Christmas is looking pretty unlikely too but I can't admit that to myself just yet...
    S x

    1. Aah but I already have my precious thing for this month. What day do we pist? Xx