Tuesday 19 August 2014

Simple Pleasures

When it comes down to it, all children enjoy simple pleasures the most. I can sometimes lose sight of this during the summer holidays. I feel the need to 'fill' it with interest for them, and when you are dealing with the age spread that I do, it usually only means one thing. Trouble. Trying to come up with activities and days out that will satisfy them all is impossible. That hasn't stopped me from trying. And failing. And getting stressed out and angry at what? The fact that two of them would much rather spend it doing their own thing than be with me!




So this summer, I have literally left Sam alone. It is the first time that I haven't cajoled or forced him to come out with us for day trips or walks. I mean the poor boy is seventeen, for goodness sake. Time for this mother to let go. So I have, and he has opted for not coming on any trips out or holidays with us. And it's actually been ok. Letting go has not been as upsetting as I thought it might be. He has started to carve out his own life away from us. One that I am not privy too, and I'm fine with that. Trawling through my memory banks to when I was seventeen, I remember it as a time of real change and growth. I had so many new experiences - my first boyfriend, my fist sip (ahem) of alcohol, a holiday job and secret adventures of my own that my family were definitely not privy to.

It's a bit more difficult with Alf. At twelve and a half, he can be left at home while I am out and about for a couple of hours. But not all day. And never during the evening. I still feel that I have to impose time limits on anything electronic, even though it feels as if that is all he would like to do. I crave fresh air and exercise for him. I want him to be outside roaming with his mates at the skate park or down at the beach. He shows no interest in any of these things this summer. He has started the pupa stage of teen. He spends most of his time in his pyjamas, wrapped up in his duvet and sat in a dark un-ventilated bedroom. He would spend all of his time on his games console if I let him. I don't. It causes a lot of shouting. From both of us.




A compromise of sorts has been reached. He is allowed to do his (hideous gaming) thing, as long as he comes out with me and Pops some of the time. I know it's a bit of a woolly compromise, but it comes without the vile screaming matches that occur, me at the bottom and him at the top of the stairs. They are exhausting, and not good for anyone. And if I trawl back further through my memory banks, I remember feeling the same. My Dad was very authoritarian. He said 'jump', I said 'how high?' Until I reached the age of about thirteen. Then I said no! It was a very emphatic no as I recall, and it caused all sorts of problems between us until the day I left home at eighteen. He wouldn't allow me the no. He couldn't understand that I could and should be left alone to do my own thing. Even if that thing was sitting and watching Black Adder videos all day. Or listening to music in my bedroom and not seeing the light of day for weeks. I don't want to be that kind of parent. I think my Dad got that bit of my upbringing wrong, and yet I fear that I am making the same mistakes with my own children, and especially with Alfie. You may have gathered that we are very alike.....




Obviously with Pops, things are a piece of cake. Everything I suggest is brilliant, according to him. He bounces and flick flacks along with unbridled enthusiasm for all adventuring with his Mum. Thank God for my four year old, otherwise I'd be walking along and talking to myself. We have had a fabulous holiday together, whether it be hanging out watching Pixar movies, playing on the beach or walking the dog. It's all fun and go and do with Pops, which is just how I like it too. I am looking forward to many more years to come before he pulls away from me. I think I've hit the balance nail on the head with him. A case of third time lucky maybe?

 
 

My attempts at balance in the holidays worked beautifully yesterday. It was one of those lovely late summer evenings. Perfect for bouldering up Rosewall and Buttermilk Hill. Olly had fallen from rocks at Cape Cornwall the day before, and spent most of the day in repose on the sofa, feeling sore and miserable. He seemed fully recovered by late afternoon however, and so I thought a spot of clambering over the ancient stones that lay at the top of these hills might just be the way to get him back in the saddle, so to speak. Alfie came too. Reluctantly at first, but once there, his inner child got the better of him. We spent a couple of hours scrambling, climbing and playing hide and seek. Neither of them wanted to come home, and I was grateful for this time that we spent together. It was unplanned with minimum fuss and stress. Simple pleasures are definitely the best whatever the age. They just need a little nudge to be reminded sometimes. And a Mum with the sense to know when and when not to do the nudging. I guess we are all a work in progress!

Leanne xx


17 comments:

  1. Hi Leanne. You speak from my heart! My 13 year old and his pyjamas are one entity, and his ancient netbook and our family computer his best friends (Minecraft). He tells me he doesn't like to hang out with friends but that he has some online (Minecraft buddies, should I be scared??). Yet, a good long walk around the reservoir, or a trip to the zoo (don't tell his school mates) is all it takes to turn him into a breathing person. He even changes out of his pj's. We have reached the same compromise as you and Alfie. I am looking forward for Sam to reach your Sam's age actually, although with a bit of trepidation. You are so right, little ones are always exited about everything, even a trip to the dentist (my turn to go first James says). Enjoy the last few weeks of your holiday, as you have done so far. Christina xx

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  2. I'm struggling with the letting go of my 16, nearly 17 year old. I know he needs to find his feet and be ready to move on to the next stage of life, but I often still think I'm right. Too much playstation is never good, and why the aversion to fresh air (unless it involves a rugby or cricket ball!) I hope you enjoy the rest of your holidays. My son is attending pre-season rugby training this week, DofE expedition over the bank holiday and then back to school properly on Thursday. Oh - and GCSE results this week too - how time flies! x

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  3. Good for you for limiting the gaming stuff, Leanne. It might cause rows, but you're right to stick to your guns - he'll thank you for it later. Sounds to me you're doing a great job with all three of your children, not just Pops. There's no handbook that comes with having children (sometimes I wish there was), so it's all a case of experiential learning. And in a way, that's the most interesting thing about this whole parenting lark. xxx

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  4. I'm glad you had a nice outing all together. It looks beautiful there. I can tell you that I think you're doing a good job finding the balance with Alfie and Sam. I did not have any privacy or time to just be a kid when I was their age. I had a lot of responsibility at home and was not allowed to goof off or wallow in the normal adolescent stuff. I had to put it aside and be a mini-adult, at all times. It was not indulged in any way, ever. I'm very sorry to have missed that chapter of life. I felt like I was 40 when I was 14, and it's not healthy. I didn't have a carefree period in life, haven't really had one yet, and I'm determined that my children will have a more normal time when they get there.

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  5. The way my eldest can throw a strop I'm almost dreading her teens...at least I have 8 years to think of some strategies. I think you're doing a great job!

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  6. Your kids are fine - just at different stages - and you are doing a great job with them. My teenage girl is somewhere between your boys at 14 and has been practically horizontal all day watching 'You Tubers' (?). But we've just spent a few days with her cousins and eight year old girl and twin five year old boys and they had her running around after them so the occasional sofa day doesn't matter, I reckon.

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  7. What a lovely post Leanne, you have got it all just right I think. Sometimes mine don't want to go out, but once we are there, and they are scrambling over rocks and climbing trees and having adventures they love it. I just hope I will be able to let go as you have, with as much grace and wisdom. Your littlest boy is enchanting, I can feel his joy and love of life so much from your words and photos. Enjoy the rest of the holidays together. CJ xx

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  8. A great post, brings back memories of our two growing up (now almost-45 and 41 respectively.)
    Coincidentally, there is a piece in today's Telegraph about the Simple Pleasures ... top of the list is eating fish and chips on Blackpool Pier (they mean Blackpool ooop North, not Blackpool sands in Devon!), afternoon tea in Devon (which we can enjoy every day, living as we do in the county), and rockpooling in Cornwall.
    To the list of simple pleasures I would add: being able to scratch an itch I can just about reach and breathing fresh air on leaving hospital. Never had a cold winter's day smelled so fresh as the day I left hospital after surgery last February.
    And one mustn't forget one's first cup of tea or coffee of the day!

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  9. You have touched a nerve with lots of parents here Leanne, and your struggles are familiar. I am probably unusual in that I don't limit screen time, be it iPad, computer, ps3 etc. however the boys (15 and 12) are crystal clear about privacy boundaries, age ratings on viewing etc, and I have explicitly said that I trust them regarding these things. They also ask me about anything they're not sure of. And they also know that everything (and I mean Everything) will be taken away if they breach the trust. I find screen time and activity time usually balance out without my interference. Sure, they might spend all of one sunny, beautiful summer day closeted inside in front of the games console, but the next day the oldest will be sailing all day, and the youngest spend the day reading a book from cover to cover, so I try not to panic too much on a day to day basis, but will tackle a 'trend' head on if necessary. It's a hard job being a parent! I know I am making mistakes, because I'm human, it's part of the deal! But I try hard to listen, and I give the boys a lot of cuddles. They know they're loved, and I know I am loved by them, sometimes that has to be enough for one day! X

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  10. It sounds as though you are doing pretty well to me, remembering back from your own childhood and being aware that a flat no as well as not allowing them to do their own thing all the time sounds like a good combination to me. I am sure that it will all work out and as you say, it is good that you have Pops to keep you company for now!! xx

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  11. I feel better for reading this post Leanne, because L has just turned 13 and everything you say about Alfie I recognise completely in L (right down to the PJs all day, the darkened room and the joined-to-the-computer). I do exactly what you do too- he comes out for one walk a day and a bit of time outside in the afternoon, and unless we're out on a day trip somewhere he gets the rest of the day to do with as he pleases. It doesn't stop the grumbling entirely, but he does at least come out with me because we have a deal and he knows it. Hard work, sometimes, but it is some comfort to know we are all experiencing the same things at the same time :-) xx

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  12. Hi Leanne - Sorry, I haven't been doing that much blog visiting of late... I do like the look of that walk and am a pony freak so it looks like my kind of place! I'm glad you're managing to get through the summer holidays without too much drama (with the exception of computer-related arguments). Mine's not even at school yet but we feel the effects as most playgroups are closed until September...
    Oh, and that reading pile in your previous post looks rather awe-inspiring. Makes me feel a bit better about mine - diminutive in comparison!
    Sarah
    PS I'm putting you on my blogroll. It's been ages since I did any proper blog maintenance but I've been intending to add you for a while x

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  13. With boys of 19, 15 and 10 I know exactly what you mean! It's hard to always be a sensible mum and to know when to nudge (and when to leave them be), it's all a learning curve. I suppose we have to be happy with getting it right some of the time and enjoying it then to the fullest ;-)

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  14. You've just shown me a new part of Cornwall I didn't know existed, it seems that there is always somewhere beautiful just around the next corner here...
    Lovely photos too of your boys enjoying themselves, I bet your grin was just as wide as theirs on the other side of the camera x

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  15. Hi, I saw your link on Gillian's blog a while back and have enjoyed reading some of your posts. i am a 50 yr old mum of a 24 yr old girl who's presently backpacking round the world. I admire your honesty at the challenges of parenting and wants to encourage you. Life has changed so much in the last 15 yrs that parenting, whilst always a learning curve, has so making "firsts" from what we knew of and would prob shock the lif out of our parents if they were plonked into 2014 with a bunch of teens lol.

    My husband and I lead a group at our Church of girls whom are are between 21-30. sadly the majority have had tough childhoods and when I think what normal looked like for them, the mistakes you describe yourself as making seem very small and most definately innocent.

    So be encouraged Leanne, parenting is tough, even with compliant children. Our 21st century Western World breeds an expectation that makes parenting tougher still and the pressure our youngsters are under makes their journey tougher than we had it in some ways.

    Keep going - you're doing okay :-)

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  16. My third was easier than either her older brother or sister. My fourth ... more work than the other three!

    A lot can be said for the notion of 'good enough' parenting ... there's not enough time in which to achieve perfection, they grow up so fast!

    Lovely post Leanne. And on how beautiful Cornwall always looks in your photographs.

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  17. I think you do an excellent job of balancing what must be quite tricky age gaps. And I have often thought this summer that children do just need the simplest things to be happy; a walk, a trip to the beach; some scootering in the park. Mine are at the age when they want to go out, but I know that in five years times I'll be hassling them to get some fresh air and exercise, instead of them hassling me. xx

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