Friday, 29 August 2014

Thoughts on Thoughts

I haven't been sleeping well lately. An insomnia of sorts. I think that it's more than that though. My days are so rich and full at the moment, it should follow that my nights are spent in a deep satisfying slumber.

Not so much.

I'm tired. And yet my mind is a whir. Flitting from one thing to another. There are lists. And musings. And lots and lots of thinking. About all kinds of stuff. I feel as if I want to share them all here.

With you.

Because I know you. But then again I can't possibly know you. I would never presume such a thing. And yet I trust you. So I'm thinking that maybe all the process and knee jerk that fill these pages, is an attempt to let you really know me. Because the relationship that I have found myself making with you here has become so important. I want you to know me. Because I like you. I think that you're pretty cool. We seem to have a lot in common. And yet these relationships confuse me also. They fall through my fingers like the sand I walk across everyday. I want to give you all something. A pebble from my favourite beach maybe? A little tangible something to connect us.

I have been given support, encouragement and solidarity here. I have poked fun at myself, railed against the world and written posts when I am full throttle pre-menstrual. It has been at once liberating and cringe worthy. There have been posts of pure self indulgence, which I have relished as a thing rarely allowed in my real life. I take risks here by showing little bits of myself to you, and I'm thinking that that is good for me.

Here's the thing....I am not like this in real life. I am a reserved listener, who is rarely as candid as I am here. Would you believe me if I told you that I often feel so lonely slap bang in the centre of this little life I have created for myself?  That my voice has been lost in a sea of voices for a long time. And yet through this space my voice grows a little louder everyday. I am so thankful to you for letting me think here. I am thankful of your quiet holding of me as I go about my thinking.

I am thinking this when I should be asleep.

I am thinking that I shall have an extra cup of coffee instead.

I am thinking.

Thinking that I should open up more to those around me.

Thinking of new challenges ahead.

Thinking of change, and why it scares me.

Thinking of all the sloe and blackberries that I have picked.

Thinking that I don't give myself enough credit.

Thinking that a washed out early return from France wasn't so bad actually.

Thinking that I can be a moody cow.

Thinking that Barbara Kingsolver might just be the best thing since sliced bread.

Thinking about painting the kitchen grey.

Thinking about a slow week ahead (yay).

Thinking of that poor young journalist.

Thinking about nothing in particular.



That's it.

Leanne xx

Inspired by Annie. But also inspired by all of you.


  1. Hi Leanne, up early thinking meandering thoughts here also. Your thoughts sound very creative and that's a great thing exploring the landscape of the new and the tide of change. Scary, yes but brave of you to share. So thank you, so many thoughts here too... I might yet share xo

  2. Couldn't sleep here either! So that's more time for thinking too.
    Wishing you a happy weekend. x

  3. Hi Leanne, I think sometimes we don`t realise the sort of person we really are, till someone tells us, we always doubt that we are as good and accomplished as everyone else, I have often felt the same, doubting my worth and my talents, but we all have something to give, even if its different from everyone else..I started reading your blog a short while ago, and have really enjoyed reading it all, and think you are a wonderful mother and wife and create a lovely happy home for all your family...its not easy with teenagers anyway, I have a daughter who is now forty and living in Spain, but we are still very close, so I must have done something right too... I have decided to start blogging again after many years, and hope to feel part of the community that blogging is again toox

  4. Leanne, you have put into words so many of the things I feel about blogging. Like you my minds whirs constantly, flitting about from one subject to another. A doctor once told me I think too much. I've tried yoga and mediation but find it difficult to take seriously - get the giggles with the ridiculousness of all that one nostril breathing. The blog is a good release - it helps me at least structure some of that random thinking and get a response to it. Connecting with others who have similar experiences is also reassuring. Fabulous post, We have also just returned form dampish holiday in France by the way.

  5. I never sleep well when my day has been busy, my mind just seems to churn and churn. With very similar thoughts to yours. Am I nice enough to my children? Why aren't I more flexible? etc etc
    It's exhausting really. I've also found this restless mind is related to hormones - towards the end of my cycle it's the worst. Wishing you peace of mind the coming week (and beyond) xxx

  6. I think it's important to have boundaries, so I usually share what I would be happy to share with a very welcome guest to my home, but not what I would share with an intimate friend, but all that I write is genuine. I love the honesty of your blog. I don't think there's a conflict about being quiet in company and chatty in your blog, you are choosing boundaries that you are comfortable with X

  7. I hate not being able to sleep. Why does it make you ponder all the things that there isn't time for during the day that aren't worth pondering or will keep you even more awake if you do? I haven't slept well at all this summer and keep waking up with a sore back. I'm thinking it's because I'm not tiring myself out enough. Roll on this time next week when I'm properly knackered and flat out! x

  8. Oh I should have added, a very welcome guest who is willing to listen to my drivel! X

  9. Keeping a blog that people you wouldn't know otherwise read, and the bonds that come from that, is unlike anything else in modern life. I don't think it matters that we don't meet physically; it's a different kind of community, and a different kind of friendship as a result. I think your candid frankness about your life is refreshing- you're not a moper and you inject your posts with humour and little snippets of everyday life that put a smile on my face when I read them. I think you are too hard on yourself honey, and that maybe you need something outside of your family to do, now that Pops is starting school properly and the older boys are growing up. Something else to focus on that means achievement for you, as well as being mum and wife. xx

  10. Hi Leanne. Many of us bloggers have virtual and real personalities that are not quite the same, although sometimes each personality shines through in the other life. It is nice to have a space you can use as your sounding board, a bit like the BFF during our teenage years. I slowly let friends and family discover my blog, to show them what's inside that slightly stiff person I often appear to be. I feel privileged to know you the way I do, you are fab. If it wasn't for your blog, I would not know you at all and my life would be a little emptier. I sometimes think "I bet Leanne would have a witty answer" or "I wonder what Leanne is up to today". I am sure I am speaking for all your readers. I experience "real" friendships much different than I used to, I don't know if this is because modern life allows less time for friendships, or because I am a no longer the woman I used to be when I had a BFF.
    I know the feeling of a brain in overdrive, I often wake up in the middle of the night, thoughts spinning in my head. Only thing that helps is listening to a radio program on my ipod, preferably a deep male voice, puts me right to sleep :) Keep thinking, and sharing! Christina xx

  11. My experience has been so similar. I think that's why I love to visit you here. I know-KNOW that you would get me if we were ever so fortunate as to have the chance to meet.

  12. I think in many ways you and I are a lot alike, Leanne. I'm a reserved listener, and often find it difficult to express myself in person. Writing things down is so much easier, and somehow feels more "me", if that makes sense. And like you, I feel a tremendous bond with the readers of my blog. Keep writing. I love your blog, and look forward to each new post.

  13. Well I feel like I know you, sort of, and I like you VERY much indeed. You are a friend and connecting with you via blogging has been a true joy. I've not been sleeping well either, which is very annoying as I'm shattered. Take care. xx

  14. Always happy to listen and share and get to know you a bit better! xx

  15. I understand what you're saying Leanne. I'm quite reserved too, and I share things on my blog that I don't share with people in real life. The thing with a blog is, no-one can tell that you're quiet, your voice is heard. It's quite refreshing. I like you too honey, and I love to visit here and read your thoughtful words. Enjoy the rest of the weekend. CJ xx

  16. Isn't it strange that we are reluctant to show ourselves, our imperfect selves, and yet that imperfection is often what others find most endearing about us.
    And, it has always amazed me how alike we all are while somehow being unique at the same time.
    Thanks for thinking out loud.
    Have a great weekend.

  17. I think our blogs allow us to express ourselves in ways we wouldnt do normally. It is therapeutic to put down your feelings into words and nice to look back on them in the coming months to notice the changes.

  18. You've got such a strong, distinctive voice Leanne. It's not just your photos that made me want to see more of your blog, it's your writing too. I think you've rediscovered a talent that was there all the time, but perhaps hasn't had a chance to shine until now. Thanks again for sharing, it's always a pleasure to read your thoughts x

  19. “There is a vitality, a life force, an energy, a quickening that is translated through you into action, and because there is only one of you in all time, this expression is unique. And if you block it, it will never exist through any other medium and will be lost.”
    ― Martha Graham

    I too love your blog Leanne. Lots if changes going on in the West of Cornwall methinks. 2 lovely boys growing and 1 starting a new adventure. Being a Mum is a journey of epic proportions on the sea of change. Xxxxx

  20. Listening (er, reading!) and giving you a hug.....a Big hug.

  21. I'm also sleeping poorly. I think it's the (albeit welcome) change that's about to happen (ahhh did that happen?). I love your blog Leanne. Hope you get a good sleep too...everything's easier when you're rested. xx

  22. Oh my dear, I love you and everything about your little space here and I think everyone will echo that! You know it is ok to think as long you allow to be happy with these thoughts, let them be and free your mind of the constant torture. I think most of us overthink every little aspect of life and especially in the early hours of the morning when you can't sleep. I suffer from bad sleep with ME and now that I am not longer on my sleep induced SSRI I am struggling very much. Its tough, but I am learning to try and make a meditation out of it, give me mind some wings to fly and acknowledge the thoughts but don't dwell on them. Its not easy thats for sure. I love your honesty as yes we want to see more its what we love after all. I hope you have a lovely weekend, Sending you much love xoxo

  23. Bloody hell! I wrote a long, considered response to this and hadn't signed in with Blogger.
    I hope you sleep soon. I go for weeks sometimes where I'm on groggy autopilot, wishing I'd get a decent night's slumber. Busy Mind Syndrome is a real pain.
    I'm quite reserved in 'real life' - occasionally I'm considered stand-offish but that's not true. I'm actually shy and overly concerned with what people think of me.
    Blogging is a great way to be yourself. Maybe it will encourage us to be more outgoing in day-to-day life, maybe not.
    I hope you have a restful weekend.
    S x

  24. PS Is there any way I can contact you directly? You can email me via my blog, I have a bit of an idea.
    S :)

  25. How on earth did I miss this, given that it's from before my recent holibobs ... I'm so glad I've read it now. And happy to have inspired you, because it's reciprocal ... what you write here so often inspires me. Yours is one of the most authentic voices in the blogosphere missus, never doubt that.