I stood and looked in envy at those people in the water. Do you think I should go and take some surf lessons? Apparently St Ives Surf Club does classes for 'older' ladies during the warmer months. I'm seriously considering doing it, but need a gentle shove. I'm not a particularly confident person - mind, body or soul. But standing there looking and listening to the unadulterated joy coming from the people in the surf, made me stop and think.
There are so many things that I have never tried or achieved because of my lack of confidence. It's such a debilitating feeling. It has stopped me in my tracks so many times. When I was training to be a counsellor, one of our course requirements was to give a group presentation. In my final year, I chose to talk about saying the 'Great Yes' as opposed to the 'Great No.' Essentially one will free you to pursue and live a bigger life, and the other will inhibit you. And I meant it as I read it out to my fellow class mates and tutors. I was on the cusp of finishing my Diploma. I was ready to shout the great big yes to the world!! Nothing was going to stop me.
I did practice for nearly four years in GP surgeries. It was challenging. I was a novice thrown into the deep end. My learning curve was very steep. But I think that I was pretty good. I can say that at least. However, it all went pear shaped when the Government introduced changes to counselling provision in the UK. It meant a change in the way I practised, the hours I was expected to work, the client base I was asked to take on and the statistics that I was expected to compile. It knocked me sideways, and I found myself unable to cope. The tenuous grasp I had on my confidence disappeared.
Eventually I left my job and I left counselling practice behind. My confidence took a huge hit, as I asked myself over and over and over again why I couldn't stand the heat. Once again I had bailed. Typical me. Sabotaging myself as per. That was over five years ago, and I've lived an unassuming life ever since. And yes I have had run ins with depression. But so does Stephen Fry, and he stills stands there loudly proclaiming the Great Yes!
Talk about Physician Heal Thyself....................
So there I stood on Porthmeor listening to the happy noises of people having fun. Watching my boy, my Olly Pops running around free as a bird. Oozing confidence and attitude. Everything about him can be summed up as a Great Yes. I so want to go into the sea with him this year. I want to help him to learn to body board. I want to my happy voice to join the others this summer. But not just that. I want to truly believe that I have the confidence to actually go for this plan that I hinted at in my last post. I want to start living a bigger life again. I don't want to feel scared to raise my head above the parapet.
God this blogging is a bloody weird thing. You start with a weather report, and end up exposing your soul! I guess I could hit delete. Tap tap tap tap tap tap.........
Maybe the Great Yes languishing deep inside me is telling me to hit publish. Bugger it. I think I shall.