Sunday, 3 March 2013

A Mixed Bag

Which sums up my weekend. Good bits, crap bits, the grassy cracks in between bits (to paraphrase Kate Nash).


Deep breath.


So I've been told this space is twee. That's fine. I even laughed about it at the time. But the thing is, I keep thinking about it. The twee thing. And it's not okay. If you knew me, you'd know. If you knew me, you'd know there's more than this. If you knew me, you'd know that I like this.

Why are you talking to people who aren't listening?

Why do ask questions that no-one will answer?


Day to day in the humdrum that is life, I spend a good deal of my time talking to those who aren't listening. Or asking questions that don't elicit a response. Don't we all?

I am  wife, mother and housewife. I love my husband and I love my children. I chose to stay at home and look after them. I am lucky that I can. I know that. We structured our life for that to happen. 99.99% of the time it pootles along quite nicely (hate that word). Sometimes it stutters. And sometimes it breaks down.

Here. Here. Here.

Here I write about things that make me smile. I write about the stuff of everyday:

Olly's curly hair.

A walk with the dog.

Proud Mum moments.

A leaf uncurling from underground.

The colour of the sky.

Too many packets of crisps.

A bloody good laugh.

I have learnt that it can be dangerous to lose sight of the little things. When life gets tough, it's those little things that sustain me.

My first experience of depression was after the birth of Sam. It was a bleak time - I have little memory of my first year as a mother, something that causes me pain. But I got help. A great counsellor. Tablets.

I do remember the day the fog lifted. I was in the garden, probably hanging out washing. I noticed this fabulous little bird. A robin. He was singing his heart out, as if there was nothing else in the world he would rather be doing. He seemed to be singing for the pure pleasure of it. I was entranced by him, perched up there on the branch. He was beautiful. His little breast a vibrant flash of red. And I thought to myself. It will be okay. You will be okay.

When the black dog comes upon me, it is always the little things - the small stuff of life - that I hang onto. Because I know it will be okay. I know I will be alright.

So I return to this space. It's just a small thing. I record my small stuff. My little pleasures. My wonder at the world. It may be read or not. But it gives me joy.

This blog is me.

And I'm happy with that.

Leanne xx


  1. Keep your pecker up. Oh and go on strike next weekend x

  2. I read your blogs most days, Leanne.( I should comment on them more). I think that your take on life is fantastic and it is the little things that keep us going :). I am too busy going to work etc. most of the time to notice the little things but appreciate them when I can.Keep on enjoying those little things for many of them are fleeting and don't ever feel that you are wasting your time. Love from Hilary xx

  3. Definition of twee
    excessively or affectedly quaint, pretty, or sentimental:
    although the film’s a bit twee, it’s watchable

    so what is wrong with twee? I like twee better than the opposites in the definition: common, ugly, indifferent are some of them. There is too much ugly, common and indifferent in this world and I for one have had enough of it! so you carry on being you Leanne, enjoy the little things in life and being a fellow sufferer of depression I understand and appreciate those little things very much. People do not think about what they say sometimes and how hurtful words can be. That will never change unfortunately. I think it is very refreshing to find people in this life who can appreciate what is around them and revel in the little things. Go girl xxxx

  4. Your post has made me stop and think .. Not in a curtsies way but actually "lets just stop and think about that for a minute or two way." Now I want to say so much to you.

    Brave you. Honest you.Just you.You.

    My children are grown .. When that happened I do not know. It could be yesterday when I think of hot little hands clutching daisies or endless days of squabbling and plaintive cries of need or it could be so long that I look at these adults that are mine and just wonder at it all.

    But, recently I was talking to a young Mum. And she said after her second baby was born. " did you know I was so depressed after having my first baby I have no memory of her first 18 months. All I can remember is a fear of being honest with anyone. A fear so bad that I felt if I told anyone that would take my baby into care?"

    Yes, I did know but felt totally powerless at the time to help. She was so guarded and scared. I asked her what changed. How did she get over it. And she said " I thought something big needed to happen but it was not like that it was because lots of tiny things happened!"

    It too her four years, help, tablets, support and a lot off kindness and forgiveness to herself to make her brave enough to have another baby. The " Black Dog " did not visit after this baby.

    Sometimes we are too quick to judge. Too blind to see fragility. Too selfish to be open hearted.
    A friend said of one of my creations that I was so happy to have finished for a special child in my life.
    "You must have too much time on your hands! "

    I tried not to be hurt but our friendship never felt so sweet afterwards.

    Be kind to yourself, cherish yourself and most of all accept yourself for who you are, what you give and who you share your life with.

    Thank you for making me think how lucky I am and how far I have come on my life's journey

    1. Oh, Linda. I just have to say I'm sorry your friend said such a thing to you. When I share things, I have people say things like, "How do you find the time?" and I always think to myself that I don't "find" the time, I make the time. I have 24 hours in my day just like anyone else does; I choose to spend it doing something productive even if others can't see the purpose in living that way.

  5. I would never say your blog is twee! Not that twee is bad, but I just don't think it applies here! I do find it quite a patronising word, I have to say.

    I suspect, like most bloggers, and like me, that you really blog for yourself - to focus on the small, happy things, perhaps to clarify your thoughts, to connect with others. Don't let anyone belittle something that gives you pleasure.

    Gillian x

  6. I just found your blog yesterday when you commented on mine, Leanne. I really like your blog. I do it for the same reasons you do. I started mine at the end of last year and I never imagined anyone would actually read it. I started it because I have felt for years that I needed way to experience my own life more and appreciate the things I have. I find more pleasure in my daily life now that I'm taking the time to write about it, photograph the minutiae of my day, record ideas and thoughts in a coherent way. I am proud to be an extremely devoted stay-at-home mother to young children but sometimes I have to remind myself that this isn't ALL I am. I suspect many of my fellow bloggers feel the same way. I know that I will be here reading your posts from now on, because I think you are an interesting person with important things to say.