Tuesday, 16 July 2013

Some Stuff

D'you know it's been a wierd couple of days up here in my head.

 Lots of things going round and around.

News. Good and not so good.

Things to do, yet not managing to do them.

Wandering aimlessly from room to room.

Picking up and putting back down again.

It's not the weather. I like the happy sunshine, although my poor red knees would probably disagree.

It's like does any of it really matter actually. You know, when it comes down to it. I live a ridiculous life. Of Riley compared to most. I feel endlessly guilty about that. I'm sort of wondering whether to shut up shop here too. I write about all sorts, and I look forward to that part of the evening when I sit down at the computer, log on and let fly. Sometimes irreverent, silly, wistful. A bit of whimsy maybe. Always truthful, with a satin finish. You know, to hide any irregularities.

But lately it feels like just another photograph of a flower. Or whatever.

I'm not making much sense.

Here's the thing:

Today was a good day. It was a lovely day. I spent it my Auntie and Uncle, my cousin and her daughter, with Olly. In the garden and on the Harbour beach. It was a picture postcard of a day, full of splashing and ice creams and catching up. And I loved it all. I loved the fact that I hung out with my cousin, who was the cat's miaow when I was eleven and she was seventeen. I loved that my Uncle, gardener extraordinaire, complimented my fledgling garden. That Olly and Emily had such a great time playing together.

But the black dog can always bite me on the ass when I'm not paying attention. It messes everything up. I have constructed a life that's just big enough for me to handle, so that I can be the Mum the boys deserve and the partner in life I promised to be.

Forgive me. I'm just finding it tough at the moment.


  1. Please don't give up your blog, I really love it and would miss it and you very much. Life has a way of double crossing you at times, the happiest, most carefree moments give way to big black holes of guilt, worry and stress before you know it and you're left reeling, wondering where the happy went. I don't know what the answer is but I know that riding those waves alone doesn't help and blogging is a community and we're all there when you need a virtual hug x

  2. Thank you for sharing these thoughts. I know how you feel I think. I have a lot of questions at the moment too, about where my life is going, what I should give up - allotment, on-line time, making things etc. And I am feeling a lot of anxiety about an unknown future. I feel a little as if I am treading water, waiting to find the right path. I hope you are able to find your way to a happier place Leanne.

  3. Thoughts are with you. Hope you find some answers around you, don't look too far or search to deep. Listen to your body and your mind, I know this might sound a bit clichéd. I think life has become so much bigger than it use to be with so many things to do and commit to and it is increasingly difficult to meet all the demands. I know that having a blog can either help this or make matters worse and I am sure we all go though times where we wonder whether it is worth it as other things have to give. Only you know the answer to this, but offcourse it is posts like today that allows you to voice just what you are feeling and that is perfectly ok in blogland, that's what your blog is for, being you warts and all. Sending you a big hug and warm wishes for a calm week xoxo

  4. Sending you THE gentlest hug and hoping that new days bring a calmness and some amount of clarity to your world. Love Linda.

  5. Please don't stop writing your blog, I love reading it. I know how you feel at the moment though. I too am feeling like I am furiously treading water trying to do everything while achieving nothing! Sending you a virtual blog hug, hope the next few weeks bring some clarity for you. X

  6. Oh Leanne, I'm sorry you feel down...I'm sending you a hug. I think it's quite normal to feel restless and distracted (and unhappy) after a holiday, sometimes coming back to reality and routine is tough.

    Give yourself time to think it through. Take care. xx