Well hello there!
How life just trucks along, eh?
Back in November, I just couldn't see the way to writing another coherent sentence. I was lost in a sea of parental woes, and the strife of the daily grind. I wasn't able to cut a path through it all. And I was hung up on guilt too. The guilt that comes from being the person seemingly without a role that those around you see as valid. And it had rubbed off; I no longer saw myself as a valid contributor to life and the world around me. It really knocked me sideways to be honest. To wake up one morning, and realise that what I 'did' wasn't seen as worthy or important or indeed mattered. At all. That pound of flesh just wasn't enough anymore. More was required. I reckon that I could have set myself on fire, and it still wouldn't have enough for some.
If you ask me how I feel today, I wold tell you that I am still struggling somewhat. Unequal relationships are difficult to manage at the best of times. And during the worst of times, they are downright impossible. And somewhere along the way I have allowed this to happen to myself. I have allowed all that I am, and all that I do and have done be relegated to the fourth division. The bottom line is that I can't do it all - paid employment, house-keep, be the main carer to the boys, look after others, look after myself - without back up.
Ironically one of the places that I received this support - this back up - came from here. Being able to vent my spleen through my blog, really helped with managing the frustration I could feel. And the back up I received was immeasurable. It really did make the difference between running away and staying put. Just the mere fact of being validated helped. And I walked away from it. Silly girl.
So I come back once more. To try and articulate the stuff of today, in the only way I know how; ham fisted and all over the place. But that's okay, right?