Thursday, 23 February 2017

A Hopeful Return







 Well hello there!

How life just trucks along, eh?

Back in November, I just couldn't see the way to writing another coherent sentence. I was lost in a sea of parental woes, and the strife of the daily grind. I wasn't able to cut a path through it all. And I was hung up on guilt too. The guilt that comes from being the person seemingly without a role that those around you see as valid. And it had rubbed off; I no longer saw myself as a valid contributor to life and the world around me. It really knocked me sideways to be honest. To wake up one morning, and realise that what I 'did' wasn't seen as worthy or important or indeed mattered. At all. That pound of flesh just wasn't enough anymore. More was required. I reckon that I could have set myself on fire, and it still wouldn't have enough for some.

If you ask me how I feel today, I wold tell you that I am still struggling somewhat. Unequal relationships are difficult to manage at the best of times. And during the worst of times, they are downright impossible. And somewhere along the way I have allowed this to happen to myself. I have allowed all that I am, and all that I do and have done be relegated to the fourth division. The bottom line is that I can't do it all - paid employment, house-keep, be the main carer to the boys, look after others, look after myself - without back up.

Ironically one of the places that I received this support - this back up - came from here. Being able to vent my spleen through my blog, really helped with managing the frustration I could feel. And the back up I received was immeasurable. It really did make the difference between running away and staying put. Just the mere fact of being validated helped. And I walked away from it. Silly girl.

So I come back once more. To try and articulate the stuff of today, in the only way I know how; ham fisted and all over the place. But that's okay, right?

Leanne xx



36 comments:

  1. I'm so glad to see you again, Leanne. Just know I'm here for you, okay?

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  2. Leanne, I'm so pleased you are back. For two reasons; firstly, I've booked our annual trip to Gwithian in our yellow vw camper. Each time I see pictures on your blog I get a tiny bit excited. And secondly, you are not ham fisted or all over the place- you are articulate, sensitive and real. Your voice is so much more authentic than the polished blogs with the perfectly arranged displays. Sometimes being a parent is magical and wonderful and full of pride. And sometimes it's hard and boring and blooming hard work for not much recompense. I often find myself laughing and nodding in agreement at your posts. And I very very rarely post comments! It's great to have see you again xxx

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  3. That is Sooo alright. Thank goodness you are back. Ok I've had snippets from IG but not the same as one of your wonderful posts. As a mother of three sons I do feel your pain. I remember their teenage years , their cutting comments that would slice me in half mentally and physically. Those painful years are receding and boys in their twenties are good. You will love them. As for not doing a good job, that is not what comes over in your blogs. Your home loving, nature loving self shines through and I AM SO GLAD YOUR'E BACK . B xx

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  4. Hi Leanne. Can I just say that seeing your post was the most exiting and joyful thing that happened to me all day? Nobody can do it all, something always gives. I am so glad that you are slowly finding yourself again, you have such a beautiful soul. I missed you here, ham fisted and all. Christina xxx

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  5. I have always enjoyed your blog and so glad that you are back at it xx

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  6. Yay! You're back! I have missed your posts - your witty, insightful comments that strike so many chords with me and, of course, your glorious photography. I need to get my Cornish sea fix from somewhere! Welcome back, my friend. xx

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  7. Hooray! I am SOOOO pleased you're back as I've really really missed your voice, your thoughts, honesty, insights, humour, friendship. Welcome back my friend. Xx

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  8. So pleased to have you back - you write so articulately about the stuff the rest of us can't quite put into words xo

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  9. Glad to have you back!!! I understand the need and the way things happen sometimes that you need to step away, there is no reason though not to step back so I am glad you have. We are here to support and cheer and commiserate as and when needed and most of all to be your friend!

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  10. I'm so glad you're back, I've missed your writing so much. It sounds like you've been through such a difficult time, how the ones closest to us can hurt us so. I hope they we continue to be a support and validation for you, we think what you do and say is important. Hang in there.

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  11. Yay! You were missed, although I did see you on IG! Heartfelt hellos from the Bristol Girl in NZ x

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  12. I'm thrilled you're back. I've really missed your posts as your blog is always full of real life. It's witty and poignant all at the same time and knowing someone else struggles, gives me permission to acknowledge my own inadequacies. Bottoms up! X

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  13. missed you xxx so happy you've found some words, we're always here to listen to them, although I rarely know the right thing to say in response I'm always here x

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  14. It's lovely to see you here, best wishes.

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  15. Audible happy gasp, you're back, I'm SO happy. Like Christina says this is the best thing that will happen all day. I do so love your writing. I am in that place as well, I do understand completely what you say. The childcare/house/everything job is the hardest at times I think. It is supposed to happen magically as if without effort, when in truth it can be overwhelming. You're a star Leanne, don't ever forget it. Clever, capable, a brilliant writer, kind, funny and a top mum. Sending you a cyber hug. CJ xx

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  16. So lovely to have you back. I love your blog. Your words and photos are magical. xx

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  17. It's more than okay, Leanne. Your struggles are so recognisable. Glad you're back.XXX

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  18. I wrote an emotional 'hurrah, you're blogging again' comment yesterday but it disappeared. So I'll try again - hurrah, you're back!!! I've missed this place and your articulate, brilliant, funny words. Sorry if you've had a hard time lately. Stay here, we'll try to cheer you up! S xx

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  19. It's more than ok, Leanne. I realised you were struggling back in the dark days of November, but Spring, and the light it brings, is almost here. You do a wonderful job staying where you do to raise your boys in the beautful place where you live. I too hated not contributing financially to our home but what I did give was my love and time to those who needed it. I have only one child, your namesake, and of course it was so much easier to return to work thanks to a wonderful MIL. You are where you are needed at this time in your life and don't let others take that away from you. Catriona

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  20. i'm so glad you're back. so very glad. xoxo

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  21. Leanne, just know that you are worthy that every cell of your body is important. You are the MOther of a fine family and that is extremely important whether others see its value or not. You must see the value in yourself, for being you. The world is a better place because you are here, do not ever forget that.

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  22. Hurray! I am happy you are back, I always enjoy your writing. What you say in your last post really resonated with me, I am struggling with being the main one at home, part time work, etc etc. You are inspiring me to dust off my own neglected blog. Hmmmm

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  23. Oh Leanne, I was just thrilled to bits to see a new post pop up on my blog list. Being a mum is the hardest and most important thing you do. It may feel that they do not appreciate what you do but when the going gets tough for them believe me it is their mum they turn to. Deep down every bit of love you put into them stays with them throughout their lives and makes them who they are. xxx

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  24. It's lovely to see you back again. We're all trying to be swans - looking fabulous on the surface whilst paddling madly underneath - and that's OK. Sometimes our feet get a bit tangled up in the weeds and we feel like we're getting nowhere fast and that's OK too. That's the universe telling you to sit down, take time out and the answers will come. Here's one of yours - you're back, and look how many other people's days you've brightened up as well. Keep paddling xx

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  25. Really glad to see you back, it's hard trying to balance everything I don't know anyone who knows they have made the right choices regardless of what choices they have made. Kids, work, house, partner and self there isn't one right answer, I am pretty sure of that now having tried a fair few combinations!

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  26. delighted to see you back Leanne - I second Chickpea's post! Feels like an unappreciated slog at times but when you look at them in a few years time as well rounded adults (who occasionally let slip that they think you did alright by them!)it is very much worth the heartache!

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  27. Oooooh, have just realised you have posted! I love following you on instagram, but my first love will always be a good blog. Lots of really good ones have shut down since Christmas - Pink Milk is a good example... So thankyou. If someone is judging you, I always say ' walk a mile in my shoes'...

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  28. Oh Leanne, lovely, clever, funny, talented Leanne. It makes me sad that those closest to you can't see your worth. I'm so glad you're back. You know we're all faking it really? Best thing someone ever said to me when I had post natal depression was that everyone is terrified, and no-one knows what they're doing, it's just that some hide it better than others. I always remember that. Xx

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  29. Thrice Yay! Lovely Cornish maidxxxx

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  30. Hooray!! You are back. I have missed you. You give a voice to many of the things I feel and am afraid to articulate. Also, I just really like you.

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  31. Welcome back, my love 😊You have been missed X

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  32. You are able to say things in exactly the way I would... but can't. I read your blog because it is real. It has beauty and pain and ups and downs. It reminds me that we are all in this together. But you say it better than most. So glad you are writing again. Sandra

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  33. Welcome back Leanne - was SO THRILLED to find you've opened up once again - and let your mind flow wherever it will, you are an absolute tonic. One day at a time.....Love Mary

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  34. Ah Leanne, I've just found you! Welcome back. Love your honesty. Barbara

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