I've been quite absent. I've got the blues. Not the mean reds, thank goodness. But a dark enough blue. A blue that has made me lose the plot a bit. A blue that has dragged me under. A blue that allows me to be on my best behaviour in public, but hits me sideways at home. A blue that lets me leave a pithy comment on a friend's status, or post a video that pokes fun at teasy tea-time tantrums. But also makes me want to curl up on the sofa and block out the chatter and noise. A blue that means I can perform and function, all the while wanting to stab a fork into my leg.
It's complicated. It rears it's head without warning. Even after all these years of living with the blues, I am often caught out. They are sneaky. The blues are covert, lying in the shadows waiting for the perfect moment to strike. They almost always hit their target. And I've been hit right between the eyes this time. A fuzzy head. Those horrible, irrational, crappy thoughts. The impulse to flee. And as an extra measure, you know just to really fuck me over, the overwhelming tiredness and ennui. These blues trap you into inaction and lethargy. And the guilt of it all. I think that's possibly the worse thing. The guilt that surrounds having the blues. I could win gold if guilt was an Olympic event.
Today the blues have changed colour a little. The blues are more like the skies in the pictures above. I can deal with these. I feel a little more energised. I feel as if I can tackle the list and the housework and the tea time madness without feeling physically bruised by it all. I can bat away the intrusive thoughts, and I feel my energy slowly returning. I know there is no pressure to do and be. My mind is a kinder place to be with today.
I shall walk out into the Autumn sunshine. I shall turn my face to the pale lemon sun, and I shall breathe. I will put my trust in good food, gentle exercise and those little white pills. I will smile at my children, and pull them close. I will promise Marc that he won't be coming home to such a bitch this weekend.
One step at a time. Always one step at a time.
Leanne xx
Bless you Leanne, you are NOT alone. You describe it so well. Hold on to the fact that this too will pass. Your baby has grown up, and is at school and the inner turmoil in which you find yourself would unsettle anyone. Try not to feel guilty, take deep breaths and walk outside as much as you can. Be kind to yourself.
ReplyDeleteVirtual hugs..... Mary
My hubby is suffering with the blues at the moment. So I understand a little - if you'd like to "talk" to someone else - feel free to email me. Always happy to listen. Take care - it's ok to feel like you do, and it will pass. x
ReplyDeleteI have experienced these blue periods for most of my life. Be extra gentle with yourself, Leanne; take extra rest, and engage in self-talk as if you were soothing and reassuring a child. When unwanted thoughts come up, acknowledge but don't engage in a conversation them. The mood will lift: that is as certain as the sun rising tomorrow.
ReplyDeleteThinking of you - lots xxx
Hi Leanne. I am beaming some extra sunshine down from Scotland to help you with the blues, and a big hug, too. Christina xx
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry you've been having a hard time. It happens to me sometimes too. I'm glad you're feeling a bit better. Take care and know that we're thinking of you.
ReplyDeletePops starting school full time is probably a clue to it honey. As others have said, hold on - it will pass. It sounds like a period of adjustment. I'm sending you lots of love from Hampshire. That blue sky is perfect, by the way- we don't get skies like that here xx
ReplyDeleteSo sorry it's hard with you at the moment. I do hope it passes soon and you are back to happiness and sunshine. I know how horrible it can be. Hugs. CJ xx
ReplyDeleteSo sorry it's hard with you at the moment. I hope it passes soon and the sunshine and happiness find you. Sending you a cyber hug. CJ xx
ReplyDeleteReally looking forward to meeting up Leanne and hope things look better in time. See you soon x
ReplyDeleteSo sorry to hear that you are having such a rough time. I don't know if you remember but earlier this year when I was having a rough time you gave me a "chin up buttercup" and I have been holding on to that and it has helped me through, so I think that it is time to return it to you know as you need it. So "chin up buttercup" and take care and know that this will pass, just hunker down and take care of yourself in the meantime. Thank you so much for your help earlier this year and for sharing this too. Hugs to you. xx
ReplyDeleteOh, lovely, lovely Leanne. You're not alone, you know, and I applaud how you discuss mental illness so openly here, You're a good woman and you musn't feel guilty, it will get you no-where. I can say this with authority as someone who can't take her own advice and feels guilty about pretty much everything. Big love and hugs to you. xx
ReplyDeleteHugs to you, Leanne. You have had a lot of transition this autumn with Pops heading off to school. It's not surprising that it would leave you feeling somewhat depressed. Be kind to yourself, and please let go of the guilt.
ReplyDeleteSorry you're having a crap time right now. I hate those feelings. You're doing all the right things so hope you feel better soon. I hope it's not an inappropriate time to say but you;re writing is beautiful. Sending hugs, Mel xxx
ReplyDeletetake care, enjoy the sunshine, breathe x
ReplyDeleteSorry Leanne, my blog visiting's been a bit erratic of late.
ReplyDeleteI hope things get easier for you - no, I KNOW they will. Get outdoors. It helps.
And take care of yourself.
S x
Hugs from here across the border in Devon,
ReplyDeleteMargaret P
Goodness Leanne you express this so very clearly despite the fog. I can barely string two words together cohesively at the best of times. I do so empathise with you and understand completely the nasty voice in our thoughts called Guilt. We are our own most harsh critics. Be kind to yourself, J9 x
ReplyDeleteHope you're feeling better xx
ReplyDelete